post 281: because this is fitting

I saw Thrice, the most amazing band in the world to me, play at Slim's with the best people in the world, my housemates, Catherine and Morgan.

These Arms Are Snakes were pretty good and insane. The singer kept unbuttoning his shirt and lifting it, exposing his cute, white tummy while he screamed/sang into the microphone. So that wasn't so bad.

If you ever get the chance to see one of the things that makes you most happy, do it. I haven't seen Thrice since my sophomore year in high school. And even then, I was standing by the bar at the House of Blues, far from the crowd of moshers and crowd surfers.

But no, no, no, to really experience your favorite band's music, one must stand three feet away from your favorite band member (for me it was Teppei, the lead guitarist--not my fave band member, but the only one closest to me), feel the pressure of a thousand people rubbing against you (it was probably 100+), and endure their sweatiness as well (my jeans were drenched after the show). As soon as the first song started, one could feel the crowd move like one entity to the beat of the drums (Riley was in top form). Your feet lift up, if you're short enough (I am), and if there's more than enough people pushing in all directions against you, it's as if you're in the sea. Only this was a sea of hot, sweaty people. Make sure your friends are okay and stick together--it's so much funner when you're not doing this alone. When that crowd surfer comes slowly toward you, grab his ankle and push him toward the hot security guard who will get him out of the way for you. And if you get kicked in the face by a crowd surfer, push him harder. Don't worry, the music makes you numb.

Sing/scream/mouthe the words at the top of your lungs and headbang until you get aforementioned hot security guard to notice your passionate self and pass you a bottle of water, because, that was intense rocking out, and you need some h2o. Pass that bottle around because you're surrounded by other music passionate people who need to quench their thirst. Or go insane and drench everyone in the crowd if the music's just right (it was).

Then, when the band leaves the stage, you better fucking stay and demand encore. You do not leave. You chant encore until they come back and do 3 more songs, one of them an oldie, but a goodie. Sing. Scream. While headbanging simultaneously. Repeat. Then when it's really over, stay again so that when the roadies clean up, they can toss guitar picks and drumsticks at you. If you're lucky, you might get one. Maybe next time.

Walk back to your car in the cold, night air and rehash what just happened. Be nice to the drunk lady who was also at the concert and is following you to your car. Drive to Nation's, get some sustenance, and continue conversations on band's performance. Too tired to shower off the stench and sweat of a thousand people, fall asleep on your bed despite the ringing in your ears and dream of the next concert, the one where you'll catch that tossed drumstick and maybe get it signed by the ridiculously hot drummer.

So, do it, do it, do it. Or, when my fave band is back in town, come with me and we can do it together.

That was my Sunday night. Taking chances to see/experience what you love.

You can find me here now: http://cakeandtea.blogspot.com/. My new username is Phoebe Caulfield, after the character in Catcher in the Rye. I remember my brother calling me his "Phoebe Caulfield" in a letter he wrote me. Prufrock is gone, even my posts here have been changed. I had a great time here all, but this is a good move.

If you plan on commenting on my new blog, please, do not mention this blog or my old screenname. It's gone and past. These blogs will be separate and neither will be linked to each other.

Have an amazing day and rest of the week.

post 280: sunny day

Ahhh! Post 280! We're getting close!

It's sunny today, of all the days that I must stay inside and get homework done. Went to Costco to find a car cover for the car my parents bought me which I don't deserve, a new Honda Civic. I asked if I could bring up my old car, but it's pretty old and they don't trust it, so they bought me a new one. It's gorgeous and works wonderfully. They told me they got it because they're afraid that the old car might break down and that they're so proud of all my "hard work". I think they're just glad that I finally got a job. I'm so spoiled. Why are my parents so good to me?

Also went to the farmer's market and bought tomatoes and green beans. Yum. I'm trying to incorporate more vegetables in my diet. Also bought a rice cooker and cooked my first batch of brown rice. It turned out tasty.

Matt, my cinema friend's birthday, was the other day. He turned 21. Unfortunately I couldn't go because I had to work. That night, before the party, his best friend that was throwing the party called me. It was an interesting conversation.

Him: Hey, Elaine, so I heard you can't make it to the party?
Me: No, sorry. I really want to be there, but I have to work.
Him: When do you get off?
Me: Midnight.
Him: Well, we still might be partying...I mean, Matt really wants you to be there (he pauses)...I mean, you know, he wants everyone to be there.

I paused for a second. Matt wants me to be there?

Me: Call me up after midnight, and maybe I'll meet up with you guys. (I hang up.)

Matt wants me to be there? This intrigued me for the rest of my shift. I could not, for the life of me, work properly. What does this mean? Why did his best friend make the effort to call me? I could tell that he slipped that "wants you to be there" on purpose--it was like he planned to say it, but wanted to cover it up. L., my roommate, went and I called her after my shift. They were in the city. I didn't want to drive in, and it was pretty late, so I went home. Anyway, we'll see what develops in the following weeks...

And there's yet another boy at work who intrigues me...the boy who brought me milk and cereal (see post 277). I was at the desk the other night, and he waved to me, and my heart did a backflip. Why does stuff like this happen to me? All he did was wave to me, and I have a mini cardiac arrest. He came into the office to study at the desk behind me again. He ordered pizza for us to share.

"That's not fair, you keep buying me stuff!" I said.
"When did I buy you stuff?" he asked.

I mentioned the milk, a bottle of water that he bought me, and now this.

"It's part of my meal plan," he said. He gets money on his student id card for working/living in the dorms. He could use that money at the vending machines and at the market/pizza place that caters to the on-campus residents. He paused for a while, giving me time to contemplate the gift of late-night eating. Our backs were to each other. Him at his desk; me at mine. He could not see that I was smiling to myself, blushing, biting at my lip like I always do when boys are the perfect combination of loveliness and chivalry and my heart is doing backflips.

He added, jokingly, "You don't have to make out with me or anything..."

My eyes opened wide, my heart burst at its seams. What a comment to say! I didn't turn in my seat. I don't think he expected a reaction out of me, given that he knows that I am a shy person. I was shocked and flattered, rendered speechless. I didn't say anything until the pizza came.

Boys are so crazy sometimes!

post 279: alan smithee

I participated in a 24 hour filmmaking festival, and I am beat. But, I have enough strength the write a decent post, I think.

The Alan Smithee festival started Friday at noon. Groups are given packets with a genre and certain things that need to be in our films. We write, shoot, and edit our films in 24 HOURS!!! It's insane. Arrived on campus to meet with group after my field trip for one of my classes around 5. I knew three people (Brian, Ryan, and Vicki) in the group, the other people are older and in production and animation classes. We got the genre sci-fi, so they were pounding out a time travel film. We first filmed in the animation room where they have a blue screen--totally cool. Our main actors, Chris and Peter, are hilarious and very good at improv.

We filmed at school, then ate dinner at the mall, then took the Muni downtown so that we can film at the Muni stations. It was awesome, but tiring. I talked to Peter, an animation major, a bit on the bus. He looks like Jack Black's double, is extremely hilarious, and can do voice impressions very well. He asked me about my shoes, an old pair of Roos (they have zippered pockets on the sides).

"What do you keep in there?" He motioned to the pockets.
"Lucky pennies that I find on the ground," I answered.

We shot in a long underground hallway at the MUNI station. I was the camera operator for a bit, sitting on a longboard and being pushed to film a shot of feet running. It was fun. I started swerving and fell off the longboard, but I saved the camera! I would sacrifice my body to save film, it seems. Everyone asked if I was okay, but I laughed it off. While sitting on the longboard for another shot, Peter was nearby. He dropped a penny nearby me, it landed heads up. I picked it up and held it out for him.

"It's yours," he said.
I think I went, "Aaaawww!!! Thanks!" I was so happy. A boy gives me a lucky penny, and I am floored. I put it in my shoe pocket.

We shot some more downtown. While waiting for a bus, Peter took out another penny and put it on the tracks because a cable car was going to drive by. It flattened it, or as Romero, the Brazilian director in our group said, "It got squeezed!" I laughed so hard at his lovely diction. Peter took his "squeezed" penny and handed it to me. Again, my heart twirled.

After filming, we went to Brian's apartment to film a party scene and to later edit our film. Jennifer, one of the writers, and Romero asked if I could play the love interest that Chris likes. I agreed! Chris and Peter were supposed to travel in time to go back to the party and get my number. It was fun acting, but I don't think I'm good at it--not as good as Chris and Peter. Peter was in top form, I had to restrain myself from laughing at his lines.

We stayed up all night. Romero, Ryan, and Jennifer were doing most of the editing. Chris and Peter wanted to watch Star Wars and put on Empire Strikes Back. I napped 4 times and watched a bit of the movie in between naps. What an awesome time. We finished around 11:30 in the morning, watched the final cut (so funny!), and dropped off our film.

I love meeting people through film, especially when they're funny boys who give me squeezed pennies.

post 278: click to unwrap

I received this beautiful comment on post 277:

Anonymous said...
Oh, this is lovely. I've been reading your journal for a while (even back in the "boy with glasses" days--how wonderfully fall that feels! if that makes sense to you), and it so often makes me smile. I, too, am a fan of those sweet small moments. Please don't delete your journal after you're done! I'm sad to see you go, already (can you be convince otherwise?), and not having any of this to look back on would be so sad.

dimanche, septembre 24, 2006 9:32:51 PM

And this one a while back:

Het said...
OH Elaine. This makes me so sad. I understand your reasons - but I will miss hearing about your life. I will miss reading about your interactions with people in your life. I will miss watching you continue to blossom.

I will miss you.

samedi, août 19, 2006 8:38:43 PM

Thank you. Wow, two people, not including me, care about this blog. You and Het have taken the time to comment and that means so much to me. It's a beautiful gift, if clicking on a link can be compared to unwrapping a present. "the boy with glasses" days seem so long ago. has it really been two years?

I've made a decision. And I'm going to tell you a secret--just for you, dear faithful readers:

I won't delete this blog. I'll let it linger through the interwebs. Maybe some lucky person will find it, read it, be inspired by life, love, and all that is good.

Here's the secret: I'm moving on from "till human voices wake us", and instead, I'll be writing in a new blog, one that I've already started and kept secret from you. It's still a Blogger blog, but I got a new domain name, a different username, and I'm no longer "Prufrock". That blog will be revealed in my last post here. I'm closing the chapter "till human voices wake us" and starting a new one. "till human voices wake us" has shown how much can happen in two years--change, growth, and so many other beautiful things. It's only natural to move on and start somewhere fresh and new, like a new piece of paper.

All three reasons for leaving (seen in Aug. 18. 2006 post) still apply but with different meanings:
1. It's time. Because it really is time to leave "till human voices wake us".
2. Let go. Because I do have to let go of this blog by not writing in it anymore and letting it stand on its own. This is the first chapter written--the second one is on its way.
3. Love. Because I love you, and I would hate to leave you like this by deleting everything about me. I want you to remember me. How can you remember me if I delete this blog? I also want you to love others still like I stated before.

So, faithful reader, stick around for there is no end in sight. And for new readers, I hope you will join me for this wonderful journey.

With all the love in the universe,
Elaine

post 277: a good day at work

I got a job at the dorms at school if you don't already know. I'm the front desk person, almost like a receptionist. Students call me if they have problems in their rooms, I process packages, and I answer the phone.

There's a guy who is the assistant resident director for the whole building named Jason. He's a student too. Sometimes he hangs around during my shifts either working or studying in the office where I am. He sits at the desk behind me. Lately, he's been there a lot and always asks me when I'm working. When I tell him when, he says, "Oh, cool, I might be in here studying."

The paranoid pessimist in me thinks that he's just there to make sure that I'm doing my job right. That he's just there to keep tabs on me. But I don't know...he talks to me a lot, when I'm not doing anything and just minding the desk.

Yesterday, he was at the desk behind me studying. He asked me something about my pics on MySpace (I added him the night before when he gave me his MySpace address). I turned around to see that he had my MySpace up on the computer. We started talking about MySpace, our families, and other things. He asked, "Are you shy? Because I get this shy vibe..." I think I laughed, blushed, and tried to recover quickly. I said, "Yeah, but I'm trying..." I couldn't finish my sentence. I'm trying not to be so shy, I wanted to say. An RA walked in, and our conversation ended. I went back to studying, and so did he.

After a bit, he asked me if I wanted some Puffins--a cereal. I said sure. He left the office, came back with 2 carton pints of milk from the vending machine, went to his room (which is by his office), and came back with bowls, spoons, and two kinds of cereal: Puffins and Lego waffles. He handed me one of the boxes of milk.

"You bought the milk?" I asked.
"Yeah."
"That's so nice..." I remarked while holding the carton of milk in my hand. There's something so sweet about that little gesture that made me weak and my heart flutter. He bought me a carton of milk. The simple things are the key to my heart.

We sat in our office chairs eating cereal, watching freshmen come in and out of the building. We sat in silence, which was lovely. I love not having to speak when I don't need to. He had a second bowl of cereal, and I drank out of the carton of milk. Then he got a call on his cell--all the directors and RAs have cells for their work. There was a problem on the 6th floor, so he had to go resolve it.

My shift was almost over, so I said, "Thanks for the cereal. I might not see you before you get back--my shift's almost over." He said, while finishing up his cereal, "Hopefully, I'll be back before you leave."

I waited two minutes after my shift, and then I started getting read to leave. I wrote a note on scratch paper: "Jason, Thanks for the cereal! It was nice talking to you. Elaine". I left it on his textbook. While I was gathering stuff, he walks in and goes, "AAH!" pretending to be scared. I said, "Bye" and he said, "Be safe". I didn't mention anything about the note. I like surprising people with notes.

What a beautiful day at work. I probably shouldn't get my hopes up or anything. I mean, we're just friends. But these little things--the cereal, the milk, the comment about me being shy, the questions we ask each other to get to know each other better. They make me happy.

post 276: a gift

Another Slate post. I mean, why not?

L. and I were discussing him the other day. How he is the fad, the face of Tiger Beat, because all the cinema girls love him or are attracted to him. We, L. and I, don't want to be attracted to him, but I can't help but feel that quasi-gravitational pull towards him and the schoolgirl shyness take over. L. is stronger than me and has a good platonic feel for him.

Went to the club's office before Film History to hang out. He was there, along with others. He said hi. That recognition makes me special. I sat on the couch and ate a string cheese while he and Brian tried to pry open a locked file cabinet. He asked me to come over, that he "needed Elaine's brain". I obeyed and surveyed the cabinet, but they got it open without my help.

L. came, and we went to Film History together along with Slate. He sat next to me. He made funny comments under his breath about the professor that only L. and I could hear. We stifled our laughter. He asked me for a piece of paper which he later used for drawing a caricature of said professor. Again, laughter ensued. I told him that that paper should be for real notes. He sadly turned the paper over and wrote: "REAL" NOTES on the top along with a sad face. Then he drew a sad face on my notes. When the prof asked who the French major was (I had written it in the survey that she asked us to fill out), and I had raised my hand, he turned and asked me if I was really a French major. By his whisper, I was not able to tell if he was impressed or intrigued, but I want to believe that it was both.

These little things make me smile. The drawings, the laughter. Even when a boy says my name, I can't help but feel a flutter of happiness echoing through my heart and body. It's like a gift from my parents at birth that keeps renewing itself with every person who is acquainted with me.

He didn't get to add the class, and so I won't be seeing him a lot this semestre, but that's okay with me. I shouldn't and don't want to get too attached.

post 275: checkmate

Uh-oh. Slight schoolgirl feelings for Slate are renewed. The club had a table set up at school today, and I helped get the club's name out there. After a couple of hours, I decided to sit on the grass behind the table sipping a Thai iced tea with boba.

Slate sat down next to me and remarked how he liked Boba and Thai iced tea. I had a feeling he wanted a sip, but I didn't want to offer. If he wants a sip, he'll ask for a sip.

He did.

And he sipped it from my straw too. I was sort of happy that he sipped my drink for some reason. The fact that both our lips touched the same thing is...exciting. There was a table across the path with three sets of chess set up. Slate asked if I wanted to play. I said that I wasn't that great, but we got up to play anyway.

We walked over. There weren't any chairs to sit, so Slate got him and me chairs. He moved first. It took me a while to get back into chess. It's a great game, but totally hard for me. He took some of my pawns; I got his knight. We barely talked--we both just concentrated on the game. Wait, he mentioned how he thinks he's sunburned, and I said that he's reddish around the nose and cheeks.

I loved the silence between us. Whenever we were thinking about our moves and all. The silence says everything. He's the only guy in the club that I'm uncomfortable with. He's intimidating and intelligent and very hard to approach. He took another sip of my drink. I watched him chew the tapioca and set the drink back down by my hand.

Checkmate. He won. I'm bad at chess.

post 274: busy as a bee

What a busy week! I've finished with my second day of classes. I have homework due tomorrow already. I work Friday too.

Let me just say that kung fu is awesome! I had my first class today. It was tough, and it's going to be challenging, but I'm really looking forward to it. I need to get back into French. I realized that I've been studying it for a year and a half, and I'm not that great. I mean, I do really well in the classes, but I'm not using my French. I'm thinking of keeping a journal in French, but we'll see.

Biking to school has been pretty cool. The commute isn't that bad, and I'm getting excercise.

Did some back to school shopping with friends at the outlets in Gilroy. Fun times. Bought 2 pairs of jeans, a long sleeve shirt, socks, and a cute bag. I can't shop for a while now. I've got what I need, and I really should be saving my monies for travelling and film. Anyway, I'm not the type of person who has to have the newest trend of clothing.

My classes:
--French Intermediate 2: I might test out of this because it's sort of a step backward.
--French Composition: With Madame Perret! Lovely, lovely. I also have some friends in there too.
--Kung Fu: Because I need some excercise and "fusion of mind and body".
--Leisure Lifestyle Development: For general eduation. We learn how to relax, deal with stress. The teacher is from LA and likes my last name (it's the same as a long street in LA). She asked me if she could call me by my last name, and I said that that was cool.
--Historical and Contemporary Aspects of Food, Beverage, and Culture in America: For my segment 3. A student chooses a topic for their segment 3 and takes 3 classes on that topic. I chose food and beverage, because I like food and beverages. Also all the other ones aren't as interesting to me.
--Film History I: I'm trying to add this, along with my other Cinema Collective friends. I really need this class if I want to graduate as soon as humanly possible. It's bad enough I can't do 316, which is film production.

Post 273: a bad day

Ugh, I really hate whining, but I just gotta today.

I hate my job. I know it's just my second shift, but WHAT WAS I THINKING?!?!?! ANOTHER DESK JOB! You know, because, my last job (also first) went so well. I was being sarcastic. I hate desk jobs. I hate being at a desk that's not mine. I hate working in the customer service industry. I hate people, some people,--I can't work to please them. I'd rather make them art and serve it to them at a distance.

Another reason my boss hates me: I greeted him when he entered the office, and he didn't even say anything. The other QRT workers think I'm a joke because I keep asking questions on how things are done, where things are located.

I finished my shift at 6. I biked home as fast as I could. Because I can't turn in some form for my job for two weeks, I was informed that I can't work and that someone will have to take my shifts. That's fine with me. I'm just doing this for the money--again.

Now some goodness, some joy, some happiness...I helped out on the production of Slate's short action film for two days. I couldn't make it today (work), and I'm not sure if I'll be able to make it tomorrow (might work if no one can work my shift). But for the last two days, I was making wooden frames for drywall and practice samurai swords out of PVC tubing. I'm sore, I still have spraypaint on my nails, and I think my only blue chinos are ruined forever...I am so happy.

All my fave people were there: Sam, Scooter, Matt, Dylan (Slate's little brother), and B.. L. came too--we were the only girls: awesome. Lots of laughs and hard labor, but there's something about working with your peers to learn and make the artform you love. Knowing that I am making something that will be seen by many--that makes me happy. Making Excel sheets, sitting at a desk, filing--that does not make me happy.

We worked in an empty warehouse where they will be filming. Here's a photo from when we were pre-lighting the warehouse and setting up the camera:

That's Scooter next to me (hee hee). He's going to be there tomorrow. I might have to work: BOO. Even if I don't work, that's cool--I need some alone time.

choices. decisions. moving on.

Hello, dear friends. Today was a long, hard day. Day two of my job training at school. I felt like the only new person there, as no one else was taking notes on all the procedures. People assured me that the job is easy, but to me it feels...I don't know, I'm just scared. Even though it's going to be like my last job (temp receptionist at an insurance company), I'm still uneasy.

Also, I think the boss HATES me already. Whenever he looks at me, I feel daggers. I feel daggers from everyone. Sigh. I'm moving out tomorrow, and I have this HUGE headache right now, I can't think straight. But I've made a decision, something that's been stewing in my mind for a while now, and you, dear reader, need to know.

I will be deleting this blog, "till human voices wake us", after my 281st post. Right now, this is post 272. Any number with two or eight in it is just good luck for me, so I decided to make it my 281st post. It's also the last three digits in my email. Here are my reasons for termination:

1. It's time. I really think it's time for me to move on. It'll be two years now on this blog, and I've loved every minute of sharing my life with you. But now with school, a job, Cinema Collective, and a position of President in Le Club Francophone (I just accepted today), I'm afraid I will have less time to keep up this blog. I think in keeping it, the content would suffer, (and in my opinion it's already suffering), and this blog would be useless.

2. Let go. I have a real problem of letting things go, and I want to get better at it. This is just one of those things I have to walk away from.

3. Love. No, I haven't fallen in love. I'm deleting this blog because I love you, dear reader, whoever and wherever you are. I love you, and I want you to get up from wherever you are sitting, and go love someone else. Use the time that you would have spent reading my posts to go out there and love someone in your own way. Love is so important right now, and the world needs more of it.

That's all I have to write for now. I'll make my 281st post more of a final goodbye, leave the blog up for a week or so, then delete it completely.

nothing is forever

I got the job. I found out yesterday, a couple hours after the interview. I was so happy, I decided to do something spontaneous.

Yesterday morning, I biked by a couch that had been left out for trash. It was a totally sweet couch on the side of the street facing Lake Merced. You could watch the cars and the lake--the scenery from its POV was pretty sweet. I decided that I'd bike by the couch again, inspect it for dirtiness and bugs, and if it was clean, sit on it and watch the sunset, cars, and maybe the stars.

It was clean and like new. Why would someone throw away a perfectly nice couch? I moved it farther from the sidewalk and onto the dirt ground beside the road. I sat there and watched cars with my sunglasses on. Check it:



I got a lot of funny reactions. It was nice sitting there, but it would be so much funner if someone could share this with me. I called Scooter. He didn't answer, but I left a message with the words, "sitting on a couch on Lake Merced". He called back 5 minutes later and said he'd be there in 5 minutes.

He was across the street on his bike. I called out his name! I was so happy, I swear I couldn't stop smiling. "Tone it down, Elaine. Tone it down. Don't look so happy." He arrived, all smiles. We were laughing so hard about the couch. He said it was very comfortable. We sat at opposite ends so we could both recline. We talked about the Collective, movies, the new school year, travel. We talked until the stars shone--more than 3 hours we sat there. At one point, we sat there in the cold darkness watching the stars with nothing but the sound of cars passing us by. We didn't speak, we just looked at the night sky. All in the city. It was wonderful. I've never shared anything like that with a boy before. It meant a lot to me. He probably didn't feel the same way, but I don't care, that moment is mine and it's important to me. That's what matters.

He said he was hungry and asked if I wanted to get something to eat. We decided to hang out at the dorms and see if our friend was working--SY. We'd order pizza there. She wasn't working, but we hung out there anyway. He ordered the pizza. We ate and talked some more. I got home around midnight.

Today, my cousin drove me by Lake Merced--the couch was gone! I was saddened by its absence. I will never have that moment back again. I'm just so glad that I did what I did yesterday. It took guts--calling him. When I left him that message, I thought, "What did I just do? He's going to think I'm insane! Sitting on a couch beside the street!" But, he didn't, and he came, and he sat with me. Thank you, God, for that. I'll never have that moment, sitting there on a couch beneath the stars, but writing about it makes me feel better because it's immortal.

prospects

I have a job interview tomorrow at school. I'm interviewing for a job in the dorms. I really hope I get it because it would be easier to work at school. Anyway, I need the money since being a Cinema major is really expensive if you don't plan things well (i.e. shooting and processing tons of film can leave your wallet feeling light). So, all this money is for food, film, and my savings account. If I don't get it, then oh, well, at least I tried, right? Right.

Saw "Little Miss Sunshine". By myself. I really enjoy going to the movies by myself, which can be sort of sad from another person's point of view, but I quite enjoy it. I mean, I still have a good time. Laughed a lot, especially in parts that some people didn't laugh at, but I didn't care at all. I feel like I'm totally bred for a life of loneliness.

prufrock once again

Went to another wedding this past Saturday. Completely impromptu. It was my cousin's best friend's wedding. They had an extra seat next to my aunt, and they invited me. After dinner, I was sitting next to my aunt watching all the people dance. I like to watch people. I'm a people-watching person. My cousin's friend (a guy and a cute one, at that) asks me if I want to dance.

I say no, thank you.

I gesture to my aunt (widowed and in her late 60s) and say, "Ask my aunt." He wasn't put off by my answer or my weird request at all and asked my aunt to join him on the dance floor. She was very happy, and that's what matters.

Prufrock, once again. Maybe if it was a different kind of question like, "Do you want to go to the movies?" or "Do you want to go grab some cake and tea?" Those are the questions I would say yes to. Not dancing. I'm just not a dancing kind of person. Oh well.

Yesterday, I was biking back from practicing piano at school, and Scooter was biking towards me. I didn't see him until he said, "Hi!" I said, "Hey! Bye!" He didn't show signs of slowing down to chat, so I continued on my way. I had to go to the bathroom anyway.

it's just not going to happen

Just got home from A.R.'s birthday. Took the MUNI back with Scooter since I didn't want to go home by myself really late. We also went to the dinner together. He was the one who called me and asked if we should go together. It was nice of him.

Same old small talk. Lots of silences between us. I like him, I really do. But now the more I think about it, I feel like I can never have a boyfriend. Or at least, this is not the right time. There's so much I want to do that doesn't include a boyfriend right now: study abroad, travel Europe and Asia. I don't want to have a boyfriend when I'm doing those things. That would be unfair to both of us.

Then there's another part of me that just wants to kiss him. We were on our way back, standing on a street corner near Union Square. He was telling me something, but I wasn't paying attention, all I could think was how I'd like to kiss him right now, no warning, just do it, kiss him right there on that street corner and then cross the street like nothing happened.

Nothing happened. I woke up, just another dream. We crossed the street. So, I'm torn. I want to believe that this is just a crush, a phase, that this will pass, God make it pass, because it's torture. I don't want to hurt like this.

If he likes me, then let him tell me.
If not, then that's okay.

night at the movies

Great time at Dolores Park. Sadly, Scooter couldn't make it. He called to tell me he couldn't make it, which is funny because I'm really not the person he should be telling. S.Y. invited him, not me. He should be calling S.Y.. He said he only got 2 hours of sleep--he works the night shift at the dorms in our school--and planned on "having a sleep fest". He added though, "I really want to be there", which made me smile. I told him to go to sleep. He said bye, and I said goodnight. He laughed and said, "Yeah, goodnight."

"Raiders of the Lost Ark" was excellent, as always. We sat up front and got to lie down and watch the movie. Great crowd. They were loud and hilarious. Whenever Indiana knocked down a bad guy, the crowd would cheer. And when him and Marion kissed on the boat, there was, "Oooohhh YEAH!" and whistles. Haha. I should come to more of these.

We brought yummy snacks: pretzels, gummy worms, dried fruit. I bought a ginger ale at a market nearby, and S.Y. bought tarts for us at Tartine to share. Tastiness. Good times had by all.

another great couple of days in the city

I feel so connected to SF right now. Ate at Benihana's in Japantown for my friend's birthday (S.Y.--met her at the dorms). Then we saw "Harold and Maude" at the Red Vic at the Haight. It was their birthday too--the cinema, I mean. They had chocolate cake. It was tasty. This cute guy with his girlfriend sat in the row next to me. The girlfriend was going to buy a Coke. The guy was eating the cake, and he says to her, "Ah, man. I'm gonna finish this cake before you come back." It was good cake. He was really funny too--the boyfriend, I mean. He would always joke with his girlfriend. And during the movie, I noticed that he had his arm around her, and she was snuggled up close to him. The rows at the theatre are like long benches with cushions. No armrests. It's perfect for snuggling. Anyway...

It made me feel sort of alone. And I thought about how B. wanted to date me, and how I just totally turned him down because I didn't feel that way about him. During our "date", Mom had called. I was in the bathroom. I told her who I was on a date with. She knows that I don't like him that way, and that I like Scooter. Before she hung up she said, "Don't settle." Just those two words. It really impacted me. Drove me to tell B. the truth. It was an amazing moment for me, and I'll never forget it. Don't settle.

Spent more time alone in the city. Went to the Haight again to get a Dane Cook cd. He's hilarious. Vulgar, at times, but when he's not vulgar, he makes me laugh. Got stuck in the Van Ness station for half an hour because the computers running the subway crashed. It wasn't that bad. Listened to a lot of interesting conversations.

A chance thing happened today. I was biking to school to practice piano, and I ran into Scooter. He was walking with a friend. I said hi while I was still biking, and he said hi and sort of stopped walking and so I slowed down, and he came to me. He said hi again (what a dork!) and asked if I was going to class. I said no. He also said that S.Y. invited him to see a movie tomorrow night at Dolores Park. S.Y. invited me at her birthday. She wanted to get a big group together. Anyway, I think he's going. Yay! We said bye, and I biked away.

I locked up my bike, and I swear, I couldn't stop smiling. Just seeing him made me happy. I couldn't help smiling and laughing to myself about his second "hi", and how he wears a really huge tweed blazer over a t-shirt. It just made me happy.

this is insane

Kuya called me yesterday and asked me how I'm doing. He said that Mom and Dad are asking him if I've been telling him anything. He said that they're worried. Mom actually used the words "hanky-panky".

Oh my God! This is really unbelieveable. I thought my parents knew me. I thought they knew that I'm not that kind of girl. That they raised me better than that. I found all this laughable. I was a little hurt though. I understand that they have to worry about their little girl, but this stuff didn't happen to my brother. They can believe what they want to believe. But it's the truth. I'm not going to be the kind of girl who would let guys take advantage of her. I'm not going to be the kind of girl who...takes part in "hanky-panky". I'm not going to lose my virginity to a man who isn't married to me. That's right--I'm waiting till marriage. And if that means I lose boyfriend and boyfriend after that, if that means I never get married, then so be it. I've been alone for all my teen years, what's the next 60? Or 70? Bring it on.

And that was just ONE DATE! And not a "real date" at that since I told him I just want to be friends. Is it a date if the feeling's not mutual? Anyway...

Back to normal. I love the West Portal Produce Market! I bought spring salad, two squashes, mushrooms, 3 nectarines, 2 peaches, blueberries, and carrots. All for 6 bucks even. Nice. Tomorrow is my friend's birthday. We're eating at Benihana's and seeing "Harold and Maude" at the Red Vic. Doubly nice. For her birthday, I'm taking her to a show at the Rickshaw Stop. It'll be fun.

recently seen:
1. Pirates 2
2. A Scanner Darkly

it's all okay now...I think

I told him the truth. I told him the truth after dinner, after he suggested we go to the beach and watch the sunset, but the MUNI was kind of slow, so we just watched the sky go from dark pink to purple to dark blue. We sat on this ledge, he was on my right. Fortunately, I had a purse on my right arm, so there was this perfect little barrier between us, and he tried to move closer to me, but the purse helped. There was this silence while we were staring out at the ocean. It was the moment to tell him.

"I have something to tell you...I like you, just as a friend."

I waited for the words to sink in. They did, like a ship at sea. Well, he said, thanks for telling me. We did a "hand thing" with the fists hitting each other like friends would do. He seemed okay. Maybe he's a very good actor. The rest of the night went as well as all the times we've spent together as friends. I think he'll be okay. He got off the MUNI before me and went home.

On the MUNI back, by myself, after thanking God for watching over me that night, I got a call from Scooter. I had called him the day before to tell him that I was going to finish the practice roll of film at Embarcadero. If he wanted to come, he could, but he didn't have to. Scooter said he wanted to come.

YES! I mean, uh...cool. I'm glad you can come.

So we spent the most of the day together today trying to get some shots at the Ferry Building. I made PB&J sandwiches and brought bottles of water for him and myself. He said that was nice of me. I told him that food's kind of expensive there, and I didn't want him to have to spend money. They had a really cool farmer's market there. It was fun. We had some laughs. He asked me if anything interesting happened lately. I took this as a hint that he knew about my date with B..

"B. asked me out. Did you know anything about that?"
"No..actually."
"Oh." I was wrong. I didn't say anything.
"Uh..." he said awkwardly, "Do you want to talk about it?"
"I told B. that I just wanted to be friends. Do you think he'll be okay? I know you're his best friend."
"Yeah, I think he'll be okay. Just give him a couple of days...or a week."

After that, we went to West Portal to get a lens cap and drop off our finished roll of film. He paid for it all, which he didn't have to do. He asked if I was doing anything else for the rest of the day. I wanted to bike to the beach. He said that he was thinking about biking along the highway of the beach. I asked him if he knew a safe path of biking to the beach. I also mentioned how my bike's being weird and not shifting.

"I can take a look at your bike if you want."

AAAHHH!!! He came over and checked out my bike but he couldn't fix it. He drew me a map to the beach. I thanked him and offered to pay for film processing and the lens cap. He said not to worry about it because I brought him water and that sandwich. He left and promised not to tell B. what we talked about. Cool. Lovely.

Thank you, God for such an amazing day.

it all started with spare the air day...

You will not believe the last two days I had. It all started yesterday with Spare the Air day. The MUNI and Bart are free today and yesterday to encourage public transportation. I spent the whole day yesterday on Irving at Tart to Tart eating a tart and watching the world pass me by. It was lovely, and I rarely get to do that. I came home and got a call from B.--Scooter's best friend. He asked if I was busy. He wanted to see Pirates 2. I hadn't seen it yet, so I said I'd go. I mean, MUNI is free anyway, so I'd save 3 bucks.

We went to the movies together. It was a fun time. He's a cool guy. We talked about our movie ideas, had some laughs. He said that we should get together next week. He's been really bored--he's not taking summer school, doesn't have a job, and his roommates aren't living in his apartment right now. I said okay. I went home kind of late--almost midnight.

While brushing my teeth, my phone starts ringing. I didn't want to wake up the roommates, so I just grabbed it--toothpaste in my mouth and all--to see who it was. It was B.. He's probably wondering if I got home okay, I think. I answer it.

"Hello?"
"Hey...It's B..I just wanted to tell you that I had a really great time tonight and...I've been thinking a lot about you lately. And you're an amazing girl. And the next time we go out, I want it to be in a different context."

Oh no, this isn't happening, this isn't happening. Toothpaste mouthwash uncontrollably leaves my mouth and drips on the floor. I am speechless for seconds.

"Okay," I say.
"Okay. Great. I'll call you." He hangs up.

NNNOOOOOOOO!!!!! You really did it this time, God. It was only a post ago that I wish guys would like me. Now here's one who likes me, and, leave it to me to like his best friend. A pickle if I ever saw one. What do I do? How do I proceed? B.'s a great guy and all, and I like him, but not in the way I like Scooter, his best friend. God, why do they have to be best friends?!?!?!?!

I called Cherilin. We talked and analyzed the situation. I joked that I need another person to help me on one relationship. I'll probably need a team of consultants. DAMN! I just got off the phone with B. He wants to have dinner tonight, and I said yes. AAAHHH!! OH MY GOD, WHAT IS GOING ON!!!! I'm not ready for this. Why the hell did I say yes? I don't want to have dinner tonight. I was perfectly happy with staying at home and trying to figure out my next possible moves, but he calls and asks me to dinner. God, help me.

I can't get my head around this. I took advantage of Spare the Air again today. Walked from Pier 39 to the Ferry building--that's 39 piers--hoping that I could come up with one amazing solution where B. does not get hurt and friendships aren't damaged forever. Nothing. I'm just going to have to break it to him tonight, after dinner, which hopefully I'll pay for myself and it won't be too expensive. I like him, but only as a friend.

As for Scooter...I don't think anything can happen between us now that B. has made his feelings known for me. I really like Scooter, but if that meant hurting B....I just can't go through with that.

Once a Prufrock, always a Prufrock. I am doomed to wander the earth alone. Wish me luck tonight.

a blogging mood

I'm in a blogging mood right now. I just don't want to study for tomorrow's test actually. Biked to Trader Joe's and to see our new townhouse nearby it. It looks like a dump. The townhouse, I mean. All the other townhouses that surround it are gorgeous, but this one is...not so. I don't think anyone is living in it right now. I guess it just needs a little TLC. We'll make it a beauty. Bought honey and dried apricots at Trader Joe's. Yum. Not together though. The honey goes with the tea.

Ever since my stomach flu or food poisoning, whatever it was, I've been really careful about what I'm eating. Making sure it's cooked and clean. Healthy stuff. I've never been so scared to eat! I've lost two pounds since last week (because of the clean eating--I'm not starving myself, like that would happened).

Also, I've been biking everywhere and LOVING it! As a result, my legs are getting kind of too muscular. At home, I was looking in the full-length mirror at home, and my quads are huge! It's kind of disgusting. I showed my brother my quads to which he said, "They're like a matador's." AAAHHH! I set a goal to have a flat tummy and toned arms and legs by next summer--my cousins are planning to go to Hawaii, and I want to go with. I've got pics of Angelina Jolie as Lara Croft on my wall to inspire me. She's muscular and kicks ass.

Tomorrow, I bike to West Portal to get some more vegetables. Yum. I think I'll try making stir-fry the way my Mom makes. It'll be an adventure. I always pass by hair salons there, and I must fight the urge to get a haircut. I really want to grow my hair out nice and long--the reason is stupid and lame--very un-Elaine--but it's the truth: I'm growing it out because guys like girls with long hair. There, I admit it. I'm doing it so that I can be more attractive to guys. I know my short hair isn't doing it. And I miss long hair. God, I'm lame. I'm lame, and I'm twenty, and still never been kissed and growing my hair out hoping that it would make boys like me. Oh well...Wish me luck!

things I'm reading:
1. Sociology text
2. Rebel Without a Crew by Robert Rodriguez
3. American Cinematographer magazine (July issue)

things that are yummy:
1. spring salad
2. nectarines
3. vietnamese coffee

food poisoning?

That wedding food did not sit well with me. They had Peruvian and Indian food. It was very tasty, but I woke up this morning feeling like they were battling it out in my stomach. It was the worst feeling ever. I just finished eating a meal--Mom made me eat even though I didn't feel like it. It's the only thing I've eaten today. I feel gross. Hope it's not food poisoning.

There was a hot waiter at the wedding that looked like Christian Bale. The resemblance was uncanny. He took my plate away and got real close asking if the person next to me was finished--she had left. I said I didn't know. He smiled. Lovely, lovely. I was hoping he'd come back when that lady came back, but he didn't. Oh well.

Scooter called me when I was out shopping with Mom. He thought that I wanted to finished the test roll this weekend, but I told him I meant next weekend and that I'm not in SF. Tomorrow, I'm going over to his place to finish the roll of film. He said he wasn't feeling well, and I told him to drink tea and juice. He's so lovely. We hung up. A minute later, he calls me again and apologizes because he meant to call someone. What a dork.

back to normal

I'm over my mistakes. I'm trying to think of that quote in "Batman Begins" that Batman's dad use to say to him. The one about falling and getting back up. I don't want to attempt to write it here and butcher it, but that's the one that best sums up what I'm feeling right now. I am learning from my mistakes.

Meanwhile, class (singular) is going well. I really like this one because it's interesting: sociology. Lots of interesting statistics. No one else except you, dear reader, knows about my dropped class. As a result, people think that I'm not available from 12 to 3 on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. That's a good thing. Lately, I've been using that time to work on the super 8 film. Went "location scouting" today at the Ferry Building at Embarcadero. Lovely, expensive place. I thought that there would be a farmer's market. I wanted the girl in my film to be looking at all the fruit and maybe a shot of her eating an apple while looking at the boats. No farmer's market. They only do it on Saturday's.

Ate lunch at Taylor's Refresher. It was delicious: BLT, garlic fries, and a root beer float. I've been eating really good lately. Too good. Gained 6 lbs. this summer! Not cool. I haven't been excercising either. I'm trying to get back to being healthy and eating everything moderately. My cousins want to go to Hawaii next summer, and I'm invited. It would be really cool to have a flat stomach and toned arms. I know I can do it.

I leave Friday morning for home. Going to another wedding. Lovely. Toodles.

I mustn't stress out

I had the most amazing week away from the city: fun with the fam (mom's side), amazing weather (hot!), and a lovely wedding. It was problem-free, stress-free, and the food was free (home-cooked meals!).

And now I'm back, and all is chaos...

Started summer school today. Class was great, but I had to drop my other class because it won't count for my GE. I'll have to take another class this fall that will count. So, by the end of the summer, I'll be one class short of finishing my GE. Sucks. I'm really pissed off at myself for not knowing this sooner. I've wasted a bunch of my parents' money, and I'll be a junior who hasn't finished her GE, which is really embarassing. I'm mostly mad that I wasted Mom and Dad's money.

I'm scared to tell them that I dropped that class because I also dropped that other class in my last summer class session. I really don't want to tell them at all, but I hate keeping secrets from them. I figure that I'll really load up on classes this Fall--working on films will take the backseat because school is really super important. So here is my new list of priorities starting Fall:

1. School
2. Film
3. Finding a job, maybe.

For now, it's back to being frugal and buying less groceries. I have some clothes that are too big for me now, and I'll probably sell those at Crossroads for grocery money and film money. This new super 8 film is going to cost me (not a lot, thank God) but if I want to stay within budget I have to plan more. With one less class, that gives me more time to plan. God, help me.

On lighter, better things: the wedding in Napa was fab. I hung out with my cousins and was able to re-energize. The wedding got me thinking about marriage and how sacred and beautiful it is. I started tearing up when my cousin, the blushing bride, was walking down the aisle and the way she looked at her husband to be and the way he looked at her. It was cinematic and wonderful. I felt like they were totally ignoring the camera flashes, the priest, and all the people in attendance. They looked like they were in their own little world, the bride and the groom. When the time comes, it would be nice to share that sort of connection with someone. I'm not saying I can't wait to get married (because I can), I'm just excited for that time in my life where I'll be able to look at him (my future husband) and just know what he's thinking and share that bond with him that no one else can have. That's what they have now. And it's impenetrable and a wonder to watch them look at each other, talk to each other, like no one else exists but them.

woo-hoo for keeping busy!

Big day today. Big week, actually. AR., LV., and B. are throwing a July 4th BBQ. Then we're going to Fisherman's Wharf to watch the fireworks. Lovely. I've got a final on Wednesday, and then I leave that afternoon for Napa, where my cousin is getting married. She's getting married on Thursday. I'm doing one of the readins at the Mass! I'm excited. Mom bought me a lovely dress that's very Grecian. It's a little low-cut, but I'll be comfortable with a sweater on.

Things to do today:
1. Type up my script notes for P.
2. Clean room and closet
3. Study for final
4. Work on super 8 storyboard
5. Meet Scooter!

Scooter called me up yesterday and wanted to start working on the super 8 film. AAAHH!! I haven't even storyboarded or anything--I've been gone for the past weekend, hanging out with my parents who are up here for the wedding. He's coming over, and we're going to talk about the camera and buy some super 8 film to test on the camera--strictly business! I mean, we'll probably talk about other stuff, but yeah. I need to get stuff ready so that I'm prepared, and he won't think I have a bad work ethic. I mean, we're putting our money into this thing, so we really got to be prepared. So I better stop blogging...Later friends!

last day

Last day of shooting, thank God. No, I had a fun time actually. I learned so much: how to be a better director, to plan for EVERYTHING, and how to treat my crew and actors.

We wrapped up late last night which isn't a surprise. Around 2 am. I was bringing lighting equipment downstairs. I set it down and saw Slate bringing stuff down too. I avoided looking at him and was going to head back up, but Slate started talking to me.

"So, last night of shooting here."
"Yeah," I smiled shyly.
"Are you working on any other productions?"
"Scooter and I are going to work on a super 8 film, but it's not ready yet." (More on that later!)
"Cool...yeah, we could use some help on our film..."
"Oh?" (I was giddy inside! He wants me to help on his film!)
"Yeah...I mean, you don't have to be script supervisor. What do you want to do?"
"I don't know..."
"Well, let me know." He said.

AAAHH!!! More films that need my help! AR. also needs help on his short film (20 min.), and he asked me to be his script supervisor. I'm slowly being pegged into this job, but I don't care, I want to work on films! So, I'll be working on Slate's film too if my schedule permits. YAY!

Oh yeah, there's this super 8mm contest that I want to enter, and I asked Scooter if he wants to help me. He's really interested in working with Super 8. I told him about the camera that I have, and he wants to make a mafia film with some scenes in super 8.

Also, I won a boom pole!!! It's the long fishing pole kind of thing that holds the mic. We all entered it in a drawing at Cinegear, and I won!!! Thank you God. Dad says I'm lucky. I also think it's a sign that Cinema is the path for me.

Woo-hoo! I get to work with cute, funny boys all the time and make art. Thank you God for making up for those 4 years of all-girl's high school.

I am halfway to 40. Scary.

I am 20. AAHH!! My birthday was incredible. Went to Cinegear and had the most excellent time. Got a lot of free stuff: t-shirts, magazines, even a English to French translation book of film terms (which includes a sleazy story as to how I got it--will tell later). The drive down to LA was hot and cramped, but I was stuck in a car with the most awesome people: Scooter, LV., B., and AR. (a new cinema friend!). I sat between Scooter and B.--funny guys.

I got to spend a lot of time with Scooter, which makes me happy. God, he's just so fun to be with, and he's hilarious and such a dork. We were talking about the show "Murder, She Wrote", and B. thought Lucille Ball played the detective. Scooter explained that Lucille Ball was in "I Love Lucy", and Angela Lansbury was in "Murder, She Wrote". I said, "Haha, 'Murder, She Loved'!" to Scooter, and he started laughing so hard he couldn't breathe, and then I laughed at his reaction. It was the best feeling, making him laugh. During my birthday BBQ, he and LV. left the party. I didn't know where they went. When they came back, he brought me a gift: two dvds of his favorite director, Uwe Boll. Uwe Boll makes these horrible movies that are fun to watch and make fun of. Scooter loves Boll. We put it on after we cut my cake and had a good laugh watching it.

I took tons of pictures at Cinegear, mostly of other people--I don't like to be in pictures that much. Oh, the sleazy story! We were at the American Cinematographer's magazine booth. They had free magazines and were selling books. I was eyeing this French to English book of film terms. I asked this old man behind the booth how much they were, and he said, "For you, smile for me, and it's free." I smiled at him, trying to hide my discomfort. Scooter and B. were all, "Ooohh!" He gave me the book, and I said, "Thanks." What a sleazeball! Scarf told me later that he's a famous cinematographer. In hindsight, it's a pretty funny situation.

We drove back yesterday in the stuffed car which was even more stuffed with all our free stuff. We stopped to eat and somehow got into talking about kids. Scooter said that he wants to have kids by the time he's 25. He's 20 now. LV. said, "You better start looking [for a girlfriend]!!" We all laughed. I found out too during that conversation that Scooter is adopted. When we stopped again later on the road at a gas station, I confronted him alone.

Me: I didn't know you were adopted.
Him: Yeah, both of my parents are white. [He's Korean.]
Me: Would you consider looking for your real parents?
Him: I dunno...I definitely want to go to Seoul though.

I just thought that that was really interesting. I brought back Dad's super 8 camera, and Scooter and I are planning to make a film together for a super 8 film contest. I'm excited and am thinking about ideas. I wonder what my parents and Kuya think of Scooter...they all met him and the other people in the car because everyone slept at my house. I told Mom that I like Scooter--she didn't say anything, she just smiled at me this smile that she does.

a quick post while I'm away

We leave tomorrow for LA. Woo-hoo! Am very excited to see old friends and have fun with just recently made friends. It's so weird to think that I only met these people (Cinema Collective) less than 5 months ago, and now some of them are sleeping at my house for Cinegear. They're good people.

Shooting has been going well, except I think that P. is sort of "mad" at me. I've been very aloof and distant with him, just a little. Mostly when we're not working. When we're working, then I'm very professional. But, sometimes he wants to hang out outside of shooting, and I really don't like hanging out with him too much because he's such a chatterbox, and not in a good way at that. I always keep thinking, "Can we please have some silence, just for a little while?" I also have this feeling that he has feelings for me. I like him, as a friend, but I'm not attracted to him in the way that I'm attracted to Slate. I'm also starting to like Scooter! God, why must you surround me with wonderful boys?

Scooter and I joke around a lot on the set, and he's nice and funny, and warm, and I don't feel awkward with him in the way I feel with P.. I feel so comfortable and myself with Scooter. With Slate, it's still this Amelie-ish sort of crush in that I'm shy around him and courteous, but I can't really talk to him or look him in the eye. We don't talk much to each other unless it's work talk.

Yesterday, we were filming at night outdoors, and I was standing in front of him holding the slate. He had the camera on me and said, "It's time for your cameo, Elaine." I smiled and laughed a little. Then he said to his little brother who was holding a reflective sheet to direct light on the actor, "Hey, D., give Elaine a little fill light." Dylan did. The light lit up my face. It was nice that he did that. It was such a small thing, but you know me too well that things like that really do it to me.

I'll post next week when I'm back from home. I don't feel like taking my laptop with me. I can't believe I'm turning twenty on Friday! AAHH! I'm glad that I'll be surrounded by friends and family instead of stuck here in cold SF. Later friends!

more time

You've probably noticed that I've been blogging, even though I wrote that I'd only blog once a week. I dropped one of my classes, the racism one. Because of the shoots, I've been coming home really late (4 in the morning being the latest), and I haven't been keeping up on the reading. I totally underestimated summer school. Instead, I'll take two classes for the next session of summer school that starts in July. It's better this way. By that time, I'll have two weddings out of the way, Cinegear, my birthday, and Patrick's shoot.

It's official: Slate and M.E. are staying in SF for the weekend of Cinegear to work on P.'s film. Not cool. I'm pretty selfish though, huh? Me wanting them down for my birthday barbeque and Cinegear instead of working on P's film. To be honest, I don't think that it's a great script. P. asked me if I liked it. I was honest and didn't want to hurt his feelings so I said that it was "okay". P.'s pretty ambitious though, trying to make a 50 minute feature with an ensemble cast in 3 weeks. There have been many problems, especially with the actors.

With all this extra time, I'm going to study up on my filmmaker's handbook, work on my own movie ideas, blog about P.'s shoot, and ponder my 20th birthday. Take care.

New things I'm liking: Gatorade, biking to West Portal to get fresh fruit, awkward silences, being a stand-in for Slate.

I admit it

I'm mad at P. right now!

He asked Slate to stay in SF instead of going down to Cinegear so that he can get some scenes down. NNNNNOOOO!!!! That is so not cool. Slate told me himself that P.'s making him stay and that Scooter and I would have to find another ride. That can't happen.

The reason I want Slate to be there is two-fold: One, he totally deserves a break from shooting. He and his friend (M.E.) have been working so hard on this production. He was telling me that Cinegear was supposed to be his "summer break". Now he's stuck in SF working on P.'s stupid movie (which I think isn't that great anyway) while everyone's going to the event that he's been looking forward to all year? Two, I want him there because...

I like him. There. I admit it. I like him, I do. And I want him there for my birthday. He's smart, funny, warm, and I'm totally intimidated by him like most of the guys I like. I chose "scared" in the last post. I called Cher for her advice about Slate, and she said that maybe "scared" of him isn't the right expression. I'm intimidated by him. That's all I want for my birthday, for him to be there. God, I'm such a girl.

Moreover, P. is just pissing me off. He keeps repeatedly asking about my movie idea. At first it was very flattering, and now it's just really annoying. I swear, he keeps asking about it at every shoot. I have this feeling he has a crush on me: he wants to hang out with me (just me) outside the shoot, I made him a cd and he called it "the best gift he's ever received", and he texts messages me all the time.

I like him as a friend. He's nice and all, but I really don't like him that way, and after this whole production of his film, he's starting to get on my nerves. The best thing though is that he knows already that I don't want a boyfriend--he asked me what my "situation" was, and I told him bluntly that I'm not dating and that I don't need a boyfriend right now. It's better to get those things out instead of being vague because that wastes time.

Scooter and I were going to go to a movie together, and P. wants to come too even though he's seen the film already. Ugh! I really don't like P.

I overanalyze too much

I have time to write. Rather, I'm using my extra time (no shoot today) to write instead of study for my stupid summer classes that I'm doing horrible in.

When people say things, I can't help but wonder what the meaning is behind their words. Why did they choose those words or say it in that tone? I dissect, I infer, I overanalyze. That is my curse. One of them.

We were at the playground yesterday shooting another scene. It was late--2 in the morning. I was calling out the takes again. I put the slate up in front of the camera for Slate (who is the DP and camera operator). It wasn't close enough to the camera, so Slate was saying to me, "Closer, come closer, come on, you love me, Elaine...Okay, stop. That's enough."

I called out the take. I think my voice was shaking from that little moment. Or it was just too cold. AAAAHHH!!! My overanalyzing brain is about to explode. I hope my face registered no reaction to those little directions. Why would he say something like that, and in front of everyone (cast and crew). Maybe it was just too late, too cold at that playground. It didn't mean anything, he was just saying something random, totally random. It means nothing. If I may overanalyze even some more...why do I want this to mean nothing at all?

If you remember...I used to have a crush on him. I still think he's cool, he just scares me. He's intelligent in everything film, he's serious when it comes to filmmaking, yet funny on set, he's cute...that's all dangerous! I can have another crush on him! I won't, I won't. He's just too amazing, and I don't even think he likes me that much. I just feel so useless on shoots because I know little about setting up lights (his specialty), and I just watch the guys get the lights ready. I want to help, but then again, I don't want to bother him and the rest of the guys with questions about the equipment. Anyway...another interesting thing happened last night...something so cinematic.

We were setting up for another shot. This time it was handheld. Slate would walk backwards as the two actors were walking forward. He was practicing moving backwards and also adjusting the lights. I was standing around holding my script looking over my notes. He asked me to be his stand-in. I stood in the actors's marks. He stood a couple of feet in front of me pointing his camera on me, his eyes on the viewfinder (the screen).

"Okay Elaine, walk towards me," he says.

I'm nervous. I'm not a huge fan of being alone on camera. I start walking forward, my eyes on the ground.

"Look up." He directs. I obey. My eyes go straight into that circular lens glass that catches all, hides nothing, not even the deepest feeling that I long to obscure from everyone. One would only need to watch the footage to see. Thank God it wasn't being recorded. My eyes told on me. I let everything out. I look back to the floor as I continue walking.

"Look up," he says, this time softer. I do so, avoiding the lens, I look far off behind him. He stops moving, puts his camera down and says, "That looks good." I nod, saying nothing as I walk away. He goes back to working with the camera.

What a moment. So cinematic. It was so unreal. God, thank you for that moment of vulnerability. God, I swear my eyes revealed everything. Why must they betray me like that?

Also, I'm getting a ride to LA with him and other people who are going to CineGear. I mustn't show myself like that again, but God knows I can't help it. I also think He likes what's going on. Makes for a good film.

Woo-hoo! Three hours of sleep!

I slept three and a half hours this morning. Yesterday was our third day of shooting. We wrapped at 4 in the morning. Today is everyone's day off.

For the first shoot, we were on location, at a house near school. We shot three scenes, all exteriors, so the crew was freezing cold. My job was pretty easy--keep continuity, record the takes that the DP and director liked, and make a lined script, which the DP (Slate), taught me in two minutes. It was pretty confusing, but when I got home I got out my filmmaking textbook and looked it up to make sure I was doing it right. I draw a line from the top of the script down. When there's dialogue or a person that's off camera for that shot, then I draw a squiggly line over that dialogue.

I hung out with the sound recordist and the 2nd AC, B. and Scooter, respectively. I showed Scooter how to do slate because he hadn't done it before. He was so funny. Whenever he'd call slate, he'd make up a different word for the shot, which is labeled with a letter. So for Scene 9B he'd go, "SCENE 9, BATTLEBOTS, TAKE 1!". We'd crack up everytime with each new word he came up with. Three scenes that day.

The next day, we were on Portola, overlooking the city. It was the afternoon. It was too cloudy, so we ended up not shooting there that day. Sucks, but that's what happens. The actors were pissed. We drove over to Alameda and shot a scene at a playground. I also became 2nd AC since Scooter couldn't make it to the shoot. It was cold again, so I brought my Holden hat. I took it out and gave it to B. who was pretty cold. Everyone loved the hat on him, but he told people that it was mine. It was late. Maybe 10, and lights weren't set-up yet. We didn't get a permit! When lights were finally up, a police car came by and a policewoman came up to talk to us. She said she was getting calls about strange lights (our lights), but that no one was complaining. We were pretty quiet. Slate sweet talked her, and we got to stay there till 12. Awesome. We got our shots. The complaining girl actor left, and we were tearing down everything. B. was getting room tone (just the ambient noise of a location). We had to stay quiet for a minute. We just stood in the dark on that playground surrounded by all this film and lighting equipment. The moon was out, and I was watching the clouds pass by it. Slate was getting footage of it. B-roll. It was so cinematic just standing there, not saying anything.

Sunday's shoot. Back at the house. We did three scenes, two of them interior. It went okay. I was 2nd AC again. My "mentors" from Cinema Collective, Scarf and S.M., came by to help grip. It was awesome seeing them. They came from an all day shoot for a music video. That's dedication. They said I do slate like a pro. I was taught by pros! The last scene was outside, in the cold again. My hat got passed around again. This time Scarf put it on. Everyone looks good in that hat. We were done around 4 in the morning. We got our shots. They were pretty good. I was hanging around the monitor since P. wanted me to watch each shot on the monitor. For one of the slates I said, "SCENE 9, BOLLYWOOD, TAKE 1!" During that take Scarf came up to me and whispered, trying not to laugh, "Did you just say Bollywood?"

All in all a good three days of shooting. It's nice being the only girl surrounded by amazing guys. My dream come true. Oh, and I get to work on film shoots and help make a film. Two dreams come true. It was hilarious because whenever some guy said a dirty comment or joke he'd go, "Oh...Uh, sorry Elaine." They kept apologizing to me for being the dirty guys that they are, but they weren't always nasty. Good times were had by all. I'm really glad we got this day off. I need to get some homework and studying done!

Tomorrow, we shoot at the playground in Alameda again. Later friends!

let the insanity begin

[NOTE for Het: I responded to your comment a few posts below, just to let you know. Thanks!]

I hate summer school. Actually, I just hate my Racism class. There's so much reading! I just did a presentation today to get it out of the way. I think I did okay. But, God, was it horrible being up there and all. At least it is done. Also, I don't think the professor likes me. On wednesday, she was discussing racism, of course, and I was daydreaming about something that was making me smile, and she said, right in front of everyone, "Why are you smiling?" Not in a mean way, but in an amused sort of way, and I was fumbling over my words saying, "Uh..I...I don't know." It was embarassing.

Afterwards, I treated myself to a monster veggie sandwich at the student center. Hummus, falafel, spinach, cucumber, carrots all on a wheat roll. Scrumptious. I can't remember the last time I ate meat. I really don't enjoy cooking meat anymore. I just don't like touching it. So I guess I'm becoming a vegetarian. Not by choice, I just don't like cooking my own meat. I'll buy it cooked. Anyway, I think I'll treat myself to lunch every Friday at school because there are really so many places to eat and lots of good food that I never really enjoy. So that will be my one indulgence. Plus, I only ate half of that sandwich, so it'll be my dinner later.

Greek and Roman myth is pretty cool. The professor is amazing and funny. Oh! And this cute glasses wearing boy chose to sit in front of me the first class and then he sat in front of me the second class too! I laugh a lot in that class, and sometimes when I laugh, he laughs too, immediately right after me. It's like he's laughing at me laughing. I think it's quite nice. I wish he would speak to me. It's a small class.

The shoot begins today. Ugh. Call time 5:15 p.m. AAHHH! I think that the call times for Friday through the weekend should be longer and the call times during the week should be shorter. But that's just me. I'm thinking that I'll get an average of 5 hours of sleep a day during the school week because of the crazy call times and my classes. That leaves little time for blogging, which I love. So, take a vacation from the internet, check up on my blog maybe once a week for a post because I'll probably be averaging out a post a week if one at all. Happy summer!

I am worried.

I am approaching 20 soon, soon. Very soon. What worries me are these main things:

1. I don't have a job.
2. I'll be in school for a while.
3. I have chosen a difficult, unstable career path that I am in love with, but scares me.
4. I don't have a job.

As a result of not having a job, my life, my clutter, is monastic at best. I am learning to buy what I need, sell back what I don't (some clothes no longer fit me--losing weight comes with monastic living), scrimp, save, and get the best with what I have.

I applied to a couple of places before summer let out, and no one has called me back. That's okay. That's okay. This month is hectic, as I wrote before. How could I possibly work, go to summer school, and work on a film? I have never done that before. But others have, and they've survived. Can I do it? Well, I'll need a job first.

My father also doesn't want me working. What father would not want his child earning money instead of getting an allowance from him? My father. My parents have given me a decent amount of dough to be spent on...dough. Food, I mean. It's "grocery money". That's fine with me. I can handle that. I just feel so horrible for accepting this money. They don't want me working because they'd rather I bring home As and an education rather than money. They want me to focus on school, school, school. And I want add "film", because I also want to work on student films and get paid in experience. But yeah...

The money thing worries me, and the future worries me, and my career path scares me. Why do I have to think about all this right now? Because I'm turning 20. I am no longer going to be a teen. I am going to be one year closer to being able to drink myself silly (don't worry that's not going to happen). I don't care for alcohol--too many calories. But I'll soon be an adult. An adult. I won't be under my parent's insurance plan, I won't be able to get away with paying the child's fare on the Muni, I won't be able to get away with a lot of things (not illegal things or anything like that). I'm going to go do someting so that I won't have to think about this anymore.

crazier than I thought

I am back in SF. It is sunny and breezy. My room window, which is nice and huge, faces west so I get the setting sun. I love my room, incidentally. It's too bad I'm only living here for two and a half months. I've unpacked and settled in nicely. I'm such a huge perfectionist, I didn't realize until last night. I was unpacking and arranging my stuff for 5+ hours last night and making the room look like I've been living there for the past year. I think I succeeded. Will take pictures.

The girl I'm renting from is really nice, S.H. She lives across the hall. She wasn't actually going to live here, but it turns out that the girl who usually stays in my room was leaving, so I'm really renting the other girl's room.

Biked to West Portal to get fresh fruits and vegetables from the best market in town. I got three giant apples, 4 tangerines, 1 huge mango, romaine lettuce, and 1 lb. of baby carrots for $5.86. Amazing. That'll last me at least a week. Almost got run over by some cars. Almost. It was really quite close, that I was freaked out. Thanks for watching out for me, God. I was super careful biking back home. I should take some sort of about biking on the road, or get a book on it or something. K., the crazy (ex)roommate, called me up and asked if I wanted to go to the mall. I went. She's pretty subdued now. We bought green tea smoothies.

I'm taking it really easy this weekend, because starting Monday things are going to get crazy. June is going to be extremely crazy. Firstly, there's summer school from June 5 to July 8:

1. Racism: Cross-Cultural Analysis. Monday, Wednesday, and Friday from 9 to 11:45. I asked if I could take the mid-term early because it falls on the Cinegear Expo that I'm going to in LA. There's also a paper due when I get back. Ugh.

2. Greek and Roman Mythology. Tuesday and Thursday from 9 to 1:00 p.m. Double ugh. That's a long class! Haven't received the syllabus yet, so who know's what's going to happen.

Here's the trump card though--P., from CC and friend of K., called me up and asked if I wanted to help him on his film. I said sure. I'm going to be a script supervisor. Here are the call times: 7 pm to 3 am. Isn't that insane?! His crew is going to kill him. Who would agree to shoot a film from 7 pm to 3 am? He knows that I like to sleep early, so he said I can leave whenever I want. I'm also not getting paid (student film, hello!). So, yeah, that's going to kill me. I think I'm going to 10 shoots. Ugh. Oh, well, at least I'm getting paid in experience. He's insane though. I would not do that to my crew.

As for my birthday, I don't have any real plans. The Cinegear Expo that I'm going to with my friends in CC takes place on that day. I'm hopefully going to get a ride from someone who's driving down. I am not looking forward to 20.

it's going to get nuts

Yeah, things are crazy right now. I need to pack for tomorrow--my plane leaves at 1 in the afternoon. I'm kind of sad that I'm not spending my summer at home. Ugh, summer school. I've got two classes: Racism and Cross-Cultural Analysis and Greek and Roman Mythology. I've got to get this stuff out of the way if I want to start my core film classes in the fall.

I've got a ton of things to pack: bedsheets, clothes, shoes, and my messenger bag. Dad brought up Mom's old Schwinn bicycle. It's really neat. I'm going to use it to get around. Got a new helmet, air pump, some tools. I'm getting into biking now. Fun stuff. Should start packing now...

My summer includes so much:
1. summer school
2. three weddings
3. Cinegear Expo (June 23-24)

Bohemoth Man

Just so that you know. This is him. The one with the red arrow pointed at him. I like how you can't see his face.

Help me get over him. I want to believe that I will never see him again. I know I said in the post below that I want to cross paths with him in the future. But I've changed my mind. I hope that he will never remember me. I don't know why I want this. Maybe it's because nothing will ever develop between us. So it would be better if I just forget and if he forgets. That all this has been a lovely dream to which I have awaken. It's so painful finding a really cool, amazing guy and finding that he's already found his girl. Wake up, Elaine. Wake up.

Mr. R--Bohemoth Man

Where I left off: Mr. R. offers me a bagel. It's as simple as that. He asks if I want a bagel, and I'm head over heels. This bohemoth of a man who looks like he can crush me with a simple high-five has found the way into my heart. He offered me coffee too, and I explained that I didn't drink coffee to which he said, "WHAT?!?!"

After our little breakfast break, we got to work. I followed Mr. R like a lost puppy dog. Hope he didn't think that was weird. I just wanted to be available and helpful. I was grabbing stuff for him, holding the camera for him, just little stuff. He was getting really sweaty from holding the camera and filming in a small office with all the lighting equipment on in there that he asked me to get him a paper towel to wipe off his sweat. He curled his sweaty paper towel into a ball and was looking around for a trash can. Without saying anything, I held out my hand. "Thanks," he said and put it in my hand. Then I laughed and said, "Ew." He laughed too and so did the actor that heard me and saw this.

As time progressed, I took over B.'s job because he was acting in the film too. I did the slate and filled out the camera report which is a record of how long each take was, the lens and f-stop that was used and other stuff. Between set-ups, Mr. R would tell me how making a film is all about teamwork and being organized on a set. I quickly understood. The production manager and director weren't too organized. At times, we didn't know what shot we were setting up for.

S.M. borrowed my flashlight for when we were setting up, and then gave it back to me broken. I said, "S.! You broke my flashlight!" But he was too busy being a DP, so Mr. R. said, "Hey, let me see it." He was standing right next to me, holding the camera. I held the camera for him as he tinkered with it. "It's the washer--do you want my flashlight?" God, these simple little offerings of bagels and coffee and flashlights. No, I said, it's your flashlight, you're going to need it. He looked back at my flashlight and continued tinkering with it. He fixed it a minute later.

The day went on like this: setting-up, getting our shot, then moving on. It was exciting and fun and I got to spend most of my time with the most awesome camera crew and Mr. R., notably. He has a girlfriend though. I was wearing a Bench brand jacket--not a brand that's found in the U.S. He was all, "What's Bench?" I explained that it's a brand in the U.K. "Where were you in England?" I was at Cambridge. "Hmmm. My girlfriend probably knows that brand. She visited England."

And that was it. He has a girlfriend, like all lovely boys I meet. Mike from flight to LAX had a fiancee (Mike), and now this one has a girlfriend. Typical. He's funny, passionate, and amazing. Of course, he has a girlfriend. I wonder now if he was paying attention to my reaction to hearing that he has a girlfriend. I think I played it cool, didn't look like my heart was shattering into a million pieces. I was holding the camera when he told me about his girlfriend. He was holding a clothespin--the grips (people who work with lighting)--use them. He took the clothespin and, without saying anything, attached it to my sleeve, right near my underarm, and walked away to do something important. I could have melted right there.

At the end of the shoot, the crew and I were in the office, in the dark, taking the film out of the camera and back into its cartridge. Standing next to me, Mr. R. thanked me for all my hard work, and then, he put his left arm around my left shoulder, and we side-hugged. Thank God it was dark in that room, or else he would have seen me blush. It was nice and unexpected. God, I love hugs from cute boys.

I did a gutsy thing before he left: I asked for his email address. Just in case I had questions in the future about my film shoots. He gave it to me, no problem, and his cell phone number.

I am slowly, but surely, coming out of my shell, and not compromising anything that I have ever stood for. I am learning so much. I am meeting nice boys. I am "networking"--but I hate having to use that word. I am making friends. Thank you God for S.M.--who suggested that I work with the camera crew in the first place, and for Mr. R., who treated me with respect, taught me so much, and made me laugh on numerous occassions. I hope we cross paths again in the future.

thank you for waiting so patiently...

Dad and I just finished the laborious task of moving my crap from one place to the other. We are resting now--well, I'm typing, and Dad's watching a basketball game. We ate too much at a lovely Chinese restaurant.

Now, for the moment you have all been waiting for...My first real film shoot.

L. and I woke up on Sunday at five in the morning. I wore a plain fitted tee. Girly enough to show that "yes, I am a girl", yet tough enough to show that I mean business, and that I will be a productive PA (production assistant) and not care about what I wear. That and New Balance running shoes (PAs do a lot of running), and baggy, navy Dickies. I wanted to mean business. I wanted to show that I was there because I wanted to PA and be around a film crew.

L. was already familiar with most of the crew as she went to her first shoot on Thursday. I couldn't go because I had a class. L. was working in the sound crew--she was a boom operator on Thursday. Booms are the long poles that have mics on them. Our friend from CC, R.H. (a new addition to the character's list!), drove us.

The shoot was in Dublin on location at a comic book store. We were shooting there all day. Awesome location. Walls stacked high with action figures. Aisles of comic books. S.M., the DP, and Scarf had slept inside the store to guard the lighting equipment. Call time was 7. We got there, stood in awe inside the store, and waited.

I was nervous. L. already had her role: sound recordist. All I knew was that I was going to be a PA, which meant doing errands for everyone. The camera crew came, the production manager, the director, and the grips.

S.M. came up to me and R.H. and asked which one of us wants to work with the camera crew. We both said nothing. He waited. Then I said, "Well, I don't really know anything about cameras" thinking that maybe he'd put R.H. with the camera crew. S.M. said, "Then you should work with the camera crew." He took me over to them.

There were three guys:
1. Mr. R.: camera operator. 21 yrs. old. A bohemoth of a man. Tall, burly, bearded. Has curly hair sticking out of his beanie. Holds and operates the camera. Very attractive.
2. W.: first AC (assistant camera). Tall, quiet, and skinny. Wore a Wu-Tang t-shirt. Helps the camera operator. Changes the magazines (holds the film) and loads the camera.
3. B.: 2nd AC. Older. 40s or 50s. Keeps the camera report and does slate.

"Guys, this is Elaine. She'll be assisting you." They were in the middle of discussing something important, it seemed. They looked down at me. Me, a petite girl wearing a barrette in her hair. They introduced themselves. Mr. R. talked to me mostly, explaining all of their roles, the equipment they were using. I thought that they were going to just boss me around and not take the time to explain things to me. But Mr. R. was really cool. I think he sensed that I was eager to learn and that I didn't want to be left out.

The camera crew was ready, but they still needed people to light the scene. We went outside near the crafts service (where the food for the crew is) table. Mr. R. wanted coffee, and there wasn't any. I followed him.

Before I write more, I must let you know...The second that Mr. R. and I first locked eyes I knew--I can't let them down. I can't be "the girl" that helps them. Moreover, I can't be a girl. I must be an assistant first, a girl second. The second I do something stereotypical of girl behavior, then I'm done. It's over. They will not take me seriously.

The hardest thing was...I was totally attracted to Mr. R. He's passionate about filmmaking, tall, cute, hilarious (as you will see later). And he didn't treat me like a girl. He treated me like the assistant that they needed, that I had to be. I was standing with the crew. They were helping themselves to bagels and cream cheese. I had eaten breakfast and wasn't hungry. Mr. R. turns to me and says, "You want a bagel?"

A guy offers me a bagel, and I'm in love. I'm so pathetic.


TO BE CONTINUED!!!
Sorry to do this to you guys, but moving boxes is tiring, and I don't want to give you a half-assed written account. So, keep checking here, this will be finished.

must study for finals

Hello my friends.

Oh my gosh, the shoot was awesome!!! I can't write about it now--I've got a paper to work on. Just wanted to let you know that I won't write here for a couple of days, which kills me, because I want to share my experience with you. But I need to focus on finals like a good student.

Here are just some teasers for you:

1. I was a part of the camera crew and worked really closely with the awesome camera operator.
2. I learned so many valuable things on set and from others and from myself.
3. I had the best time of my life, and I'm still glowing about the experience.

Have a great week everyone!

miss popular

I am popular! I am sought out! People want to hang out with me! Me!

Okay, I'm not that popular, but my social calendar is filled.

Tonight: Collective C. is having a movie night at his place after Film Finals. Film Finals is a screening of student's films. Mostly Collective people are going to be there.

Saturday: P. (who I met through my flatmate, K.) wants me to hang out with him. He sent me a message through facebook saying that he only sees me when we're doing Collective stuff and that he wants to hang out with me outside of that. He's an awesome guy, very sweet and funny. It's just going to be me with him, and I'm kind of nervous since I haven't really hung out with just one guy before, so we'll see what happens. He has a girlfriend--don't worry, nothing's going to happen! Haha. We're going to get lunch and then wander around the Haight. Then, he's coming over at night to watch "The Abyss" with me and L.

Sunday: Volunteered to be a PA (production assistant) on a shoot for S.M.. He's the DP (director of photography). Call time is at 7:00 in the morning! Yikes! At least I have a ride this time to the shoot.

Incidentally, I'm done with classes. I've got four finals next week, one on each day starting on Tuesday. Not too worried. I have one paper that I'm going to start today that's due on Tuesday. Only two pages. Nothing to freak out over.

it's just a dream

I had the most wonderful dream, and Slate was in it. I abandoned the idea of liking him because I didn't think he liked me at all, so, I really don't know what this means. It's just a dream, I mean, just because he played a role in it doesn't mean I like him still. Well...

I was home in so cal, and I was sitting in this loveseat with him in my front yard. You know, like a couch that only sits two people. It was really cramped, but somehow comfortable. My brother was standing beside me. He joked, "So are you boyfriend and girlfriend?" I laughed and said no. Kuya then went inside the house. Then Slate put his arm around me, and then I moved closer to him and put my head on his shoulder. It was very nice, and it felt right.

He then had to leave. He got in this RV. I was waving bye to him from the front yard, then he told me to come over, he had something for me. I went into the RV and he scrunched up this piece of cloth in my hand and then said bye. He drove away. I looked in my hand. There was a message written in the cloth. And it wasn't just one cloth, it was actually several pieces of cloth sewn into a large piece of cloth. I couldn't make out the message. He drove down the street. And I woke up.

I think my subconscious wants me to believe that I want a boyfriend, when I really don't. I really don't want a boyfriend. I am content with the friendships that I am making right now, especially with the people in the Collective who are, incidentally, mostly boys.

Oh, one more thing, the reason Slate was in my dream was because he was in cinema class yesterday. I got to show my film for extra credit, and a lot of people in the class watching it laughed. That was the best. Slate wanted to show his film, but he didn't volunteer beforehand, and there wasn't enough time. I said hi to him, that was it. I always get this feeling like he doesn't want to converse with me.

good times had by all

You will be proud of me--I did not drink. Technically. Let me explain...S.M. (the president of the Collective) was drinking a beer that he said was horrible. He asked me to try it just so that I know how horrible it is. So, I took a sip. That's it. I agreed. It was disgusting. That's all I had for the night. That and water, since we did a toast at the end of the party.

They had Guitar Hero out--that video game where you play the guitar. Scarf brought his drum set, Slate brought some amps and his guitar. They played live music. They were amazing! Scarf kept asking if anyone wanted to sing along, and everyone would look at each other shyly and not say anything. B. then started singing to the songs that they played--he was so crazy! He'd play around with the mic and dance.

L. and I made seven layer dip which everyone loved. There were also brownies and more chips and beer. C. brought breadsticks from his work.

I got to talk to Scooter (formerly called L., but there are too many L.s!). I'm calling him Scooter since he won the scooter that was raffled off by the Collective. He was the director of photography for B.'s film that I played a part in. Anyway, he's a really nice guy and very funny. I asked him if he did his application for 310. He got all serious and said, "What?". You know, the application to get into 310, isn't it due this week? "Uh, I'll be right back." He went over to Scarf who was playing the drums. He came back to me and said, "The application is for 620. Don't scare me like that!!!" I laughed and said I'm sorry, and then I did something that I've never really done before...

When I said that I was sorry, I touched his arm with my hand, sort of like a pat. I touched his arm in the area between his elbow and shoulder, the bicep, right? It was sort of just a reaction because I really was sorry. Anyway...he has some muscle there! We talked some more about our summer plans. I told him that L. was working on a script and asked if he'd help DP or be a part of the crew, and he said he would, so that's cool.

L.V. got so smashed, it was awful. I felt really bad for her. She's skinny and has a small frame. And she's underage!!! She only had 3 beers and a daiquiri. She went outside and was puking. Gross. I never want to be that drunk. I mean, it just ruins everything.

Scarf sat down next to me after playing for a while. We talked a bit. I could tell that he was a little sad about graduating and going to LA. L. took a pic of me with him and S.M.--he's leaving too. We did our little toast and left a little before midnight--it was a school night!

C. organized another get together this Friday, this time it's a movie night. L. and I are going. It's going to be fun. Yay for friends and not drinking alcohol!

party tomorrow

Collective party tomorrow. Am very excited. Will not drink alcohol. Maybe. Am not sure yet. Received Kuya's blessing when it comes to parties though. He said that he drank his first year in college, and that it was okay with him if I drink just as long as I am careful and not alone. We will see, we will see. I don't want to be a stick in the mud, and then again I don't like putting tons of chemicals down the hatch. I also don't like the idea of me giving in. What a dilemma!

Scarf sent me a message through facebook.com. C. took pics at our last shoot, and I commented on one of the pics that I was sad that it was our last shoot. Scarf saw my comment and me sent me a message saying that there will be more shoots in the future. I then commented on his profile that I was sad that he's graduating. He sent me a message too that he's sad that he's graduating. He's so lovely. I've learned so much from him. He asked if I was going to the party, and I said I wouldn't miss it. I'm also bringing seven layer dip. Yum.

My list of characters in my life is up now. So, if you've ever been confused between Collective C. and French C., then please go visit to find the distinction. I also want to apologize for such confusing nicknames and abbreviations. Below are some Collective pics:

Me at the camera.

Me with C. at the camera. Slate can be seen in the background! He's wearing a brown hooded sweatshirt.