it's just not going to happen

Just got home from A.R.'s birthday. Took the MUNI back with Scooter since I didn't want to go home by myself really late. We also went to the dinner together. He was the one who called me and asked if we should go together. It was nice of him.

Same old small talk. Lots of silences between us. I like him, I really do. But now the more I think about it, I feel like I can never have a boyfriend. Or at least, this is not the right time. There's so much I want to do that doesn't include a boyfriend right now: study abroad, travel Europe and Asia. I don't want to have a boyfriend when I'm doing those things. That would be unfair to both of us.

Then there's another part of me that just wants to kiss him. We were on our way back, standing on a street corner near Union Square. He was telling me something, but I wasn't paying attention, all I could think was how I'd like to kiss him right now, no warning, just do it, kiss him right there on that street corner and then cross the street like nothing happened.

Nothing happened. I woke up, just another dream. We crossed the street. So, I'm torn. I want to believe that this is just a crush, a phase, that this will pass, God make it pass, because it's torture. I don't want to hurt like this.

If he likes me, then let him tell me.
If not, then that's okay.