post 275: checkmate

Uh-oh. Slight schoolgirl feelings for Slate are renewed. The club had a table set up at school today, and I helped get the club's name out there. After a couple of hours, I decided to sit on the grass behind the table sipping a Thai iced tea with boba.

Slate sat down next to me and remarked how he liked Boba and Thai iced tea. I had a feeling he wanted a sip, but I didn't want to offer. If he wants a sip, he'll ask for a sip.

He did.

And he sipped it from my straw too. I was sort of happy that he sipped my drink for some reason. The fact that both our lips touched the same thing is...exciting. There was a table across the path with three sets of chess set up. Slate asked if I wanted to play. I said that I wasn't that great, but we got up to play anyway.

We walked over. There weren't any chairs to sit, so Slate got him and me chairs. He moved first. It took me a while to get back into chess. It's a great game, but totally hard for me. He took some of my pawns; I got his knight. We barely talked--we both just concentrated on the game. Wait, he mentioned how he thinks he's sunburned, and I said that he's reddish around the nose and cheeks.

I loved the silence between us. Whenever we were thinking about our moves and all. The silence says everything. He's the only guy in the club that I'm uncomfortable with. He's intimidating and intelligent and very hard to approach. He took another sip of my drink. I watched him chew the tapioca and set the drink back down by my hand.

Checkmate. He won. I'm bad at chess.

post 274: busy as a bee

What a busy week! I've finished with my second day of classes. I have homework due tomorrow already. I work Friday too.

Let me just say that kung fu is awesome! I had my first class today. It was tough, and it's going to be challenging, but I'm really looking forward to it. I need to get back into French. I realized that I've been studying it for a year and a half, and I'm not that great. I mean, I do really well in the classes, but I'm not using my French. I'm thinking of keeping a journal in French, but we'll see.

Biking to school has been pretty cool. The commute isn't that bad, and I'm getting excercise.

Did some back to school shopping with friends at the outlets in Gilroy. Fun times. Bought 2 pairs of jeans, a long sleeve shirt, socks, and a cute bag. I can't shop for a while now. I've got what I need, and I really should be saving my monies for travelling and film. Anyway, I'm not the type of person who has to have the newest trend of clothing.

My classes:
--French Intermediate 2: I might test out of this because it's sort of a step backward.
--French Composition: With Madame Perret! Lovely, lovely. I also have some friends in there too.
--Kung Fu: Because I need some excercise and "fusion of mind and body".
--Leisure Lifestyle Development: For general eduation. We learn how to relax, deal with stress. The teacher is from LA and likes my last name (it's the same as a long street in LA). She asked me if she could call me by my last name, and I said that that was cool.
--Historical and Contemporary Aspects of Food, Beverage, and Culture in America: For my segment 3. A student chooses a topic for their segment 3 and takes 3 classes on that topic. I chose food and beverage, because I like food and beverages. Also all the other ones aren't as interesting to me.
--Film History I: I'm trying to add this, along with my other Cinema Collective friends. I really need this class if I want to graduate as soon as humanly possible. It's bad enough I can't do 316, which is film production.

Post 273: a bad day

Ugh, I really hate whining, but I just gotta today.

I hate my job. I know it's just my second shift, but WHAT WAS I THINKING?!?!?! ANOTHER DESK JOB! You know, because, my last job (also first) went so well. I was being sarcastic. I hate desk jobs. I hate being at a desk that's not mine. I hate working in the customer service industry. I hate people, some people,--I can't work to please them. I'd rather make them art and serve it to them at a distance.

Another reason my boss hates me: I greeted him when he entered the office, and he didn't even say anything. The other QRT workers think I'm a joke because I keep asking questions on how things are done, where things are located.

I finished my shift at 6. I biked home as fast as I could. Because I can't turn in some form for my job for two weeks, I was informed that I can't work and that someone will have to take my shifts. That's fine with me. I'm just doing this for the money--again.

Now some goodness, some joy, some happiness...I helped out on the production of Slate's short action film for two days. I couldn't make it today (work), and I'm not sure if I'll be able to make it tomorrow (might work if no one can work my shift). But for the last two days, I was making wooden frames for drywall and practice samurai swords out of PVC tubing. I'm sore, I still have spraypaint on my nails, and I think my only blue chinos are ruined forever...I am so happy.

All my fave people were there: Sam, Scooter, Matt, Dylan (Slate's little brother), and B.. L. came too--we were the only girls: awesome. Lots of laughs and hard labor, but there's something about working with your peers to learn and make the artform you love. Knowing that I am making something that will be seen by many--that makes me happy. Making Excel sheets, sitting at a desk, filing--that does not make me happy.

We worked in an empty warehouse where they will be filming. Here's a photo from when we were pre-lighting the warehouse and setting up the camera:

That's Scooter next to me (hee hee). He's going to be there tomorrow. I might have to work: BOO. Even if I don't work, that's cool--I need some alone time.

choices. decisions. moving on.

Hello, dear friends. Today was a long, hard day. Day two of my job training at school. I felt like the only new person there, as no one else was taking notes on all the procedures. People assured me that the job is easy, but to me it feels...I don't know, I'm just scared. Even though it's going to be like my last job (temp receptionist at an insurance company), I'm still uneasy.

Also, I think the boss HATES me already. Whenever he looks at me, I feel daggers. I feel daggers from everyone. Sigh. I'm moving out tomorrow, and I have this HUGE headache right now, I can't think straight. But I've made a decision, something that's been stewing in my mind for a while now, and you, dear reader, need to know.

I will be deleting this blog, "till human voices wake us", after my 281st post. Right now, this is post 272. Any number with two or eight in it is just good luck for me, so I decided to make it my 281st post. It's also the last three digits in my email. Here are my reasons for termination:

1. It's time. I really think it's time for me to move on. It'll be two years now on this blog, and I've loved every minute of sharing my life with you. But now with school, a job, Cinema Collective, and a position of President in Le Club Francophone (I just accepted today), I'm afraid I will have less time to keep up this blog. I think in keeping it, the content would suffer, (and in my opinion it's already suffering), and this blog would be useless.

2. Let go. I have a real problem of letting things go, and I want to get better at it. This is just one of those things I have to walk away from.

3. Love. No, I haven't fallen in love. I'm deleting this blog because I love you, dear reader, whoever and wherever you are. I love you, and I want you to get up from wherever you are sitting, and go love someone else. Use the time that you would have spent reading my posts to go out there and love someone in your own way. Love is so important right now, and the world needs more of it.

That's all I have to write for now. I'll make my 281st post more of a final goodbye, leave the blog up for a week or so, then delete it completely.

nothing is forever

I got the job. I found out yesterday, a couple hours after the interview. I was so happy, I decided to do something spontaneous.

Yesterday morning, I biked by a couch that had been left out for trash. It was a totally sweet couch on the side of the street facing Lake Merced. You could watch the cars and the lake--the scenery from its POV was pretty sweet. I decided that I'd bike by the couch again, inspect it for dirtiness and bugs, and if it was clean, sit on it and watch the sunset, cars, and maybe the stars.

It was clean and like new. Why would someone throw away a perfectly nice couch? I moved it farther from the sidewalk and onto the dirt ground beside the road. I sat there and watched cars with my sunglasses on. Check it:



I got a lot of funny reactions. It was nice sitting there, but it would be so much funner if someone could share this with me. I called Scooter. He didn't answer, but I left a message with the words, "sitting on a couch on Lake Merced". He called back 5 minutes later and said he'd be there in 5 minutes.

He was across the street on his bike. I called out his name! I was so happy, I swear I couldn't stop smiling. "Tone it down, Elaine. Tone it down. Don't look so happy." He arrived, all smiles. We were laughing so hard about the couch. He said it was very comfortable. We sat at opposite ends so we could both recline. We talked about the Collective, movies, the new school year, travel. We talked until the stars shone--more than 3 hours we sat there. At one point, we sat there in the cold darkness watching the stars with nothing but the sound of cars passing us by. We didn't speak, we just looked at the night sky. All in the city. It was wonderful. I've never shared anything like that with a boy before. It meant a lot to me. He probably didn't feel the same way, but I don't care, that moment is mine and it's important to me. That's what matters.

He said he was hungry and asked if I wanted to get something to eat. We decided to hang out at the dorms and see if our friend was working--SY. We'd order pizza there. She wasn't working, but we hung out there anyway. He ordered the pizza. We ate and talked some more. I got home around midnight.

Today, my cousin drove me by Lake Merced--the couch was gone! I was saddened by its absence. I will never have that moment back again. I'm just so glad that I did what I did yesterday. It took guts--calling him. When I left him that message, I thought, "What did I just do? He's going to think I'm insane! Sitting on a couch beside the street!" But, he didn't, and he came, and he sat with me. Thank you, God, for that. I'll never have that moment, sitting there on a couch beneath the stars, but writing about it makes me feel better because it's immortal.

prospects

I have a job interview tomorrow at school. I'm interviewing for a job in the dorms. I really hope I get it because it would be easier to work at school. Anyway, I need the money since being a Cinema major is really expensive if you don't plan things well (i.e. shooting and processing tons of film can leave your wallet feeling light). So, all this money is for food, film, and my savings account. If I don't get it, then oh, well, at least I tried, right? Right.

Saw "Little Miss Sunshine". By myself. I really enjoy going to the movies by myself, which can be sort of sad from another person's point of view, but I quite enjoy it. I mean, I still have a good time. Laughed a lot, especially in parts that some people didn't laugh at, but I didn't care at all. I feel like I'm totally bred for a life of loneliness.

prufrock once again

Went to another wedding this past Saturday. Completely impromptu. It was my cousin's best friend's wedding. They had an extra seat next to my aunt, and they invited me. After dinner, I was sitting next to my aunt watching all the people dance. I like to watch people. I'm a people-watching person. My cousin's friend (a guy and a cute one, at that) asks me if I want to dance.

I say no, thank you.

I gesture to my aunt (widowed and in her late 60s) and say, "Ask my aunt." He wasn't put off by my answer or my weird request at all and asked my aunt to join him on the dance floor. She was very happy, and that's what matters.

Prufrock, once again. Maybe if it was a different kind of question like, "Do you want to go to the movies?" or "Do you want to go grab some cake and tea?" Those are the questions I would say yes to. Not dancing. I'm just not a dancing kind of person. Oh well.

Yesterday, I was biking back from practicing piano at school, and Scooter was biking towards me. I didn't see him until he said, "Hi!" I said, "Hey! Bye!" He didn't show signs of slowing down to chat, so I continued on my way. I had to go to the bathroom anyway.

it's just not going to happen

Just got home from A.R.'s birthday. Took the MUNI back with Scooter since I didn't want to go home by myself really late. We also went to the dinner together. He was the one who called me and asked if we should go together. It was nice of him.

Same old small talk. Lots of silences between us. I like him, I really do. But now the more I think about it, I feel like I can never have a boyfriend. Or at least, this is not the right time. There's so much I want to do that doesn't include a boyfriend right now: study abroad, travel Europe and Asia. I don't want to have a boyfriend when I'm doing those things. That would be unfair to both of us.

Then there's another part of me that just wants to kiss him. We were on our way back, standing on a street corner near Union Square. He was telling me something, but I wasn't paying attention, all I could think was how I'd like to kiss him right now, no warning, just do it, kiss him right there on that street corner and then cross the street like nothing happened.

Nothing happened. I woke up, just another dream. We crossed the street. So, I'm torn. I want to believe that this is just a crush, a phase, that this will pass, God make it pass, because it's torture. I don't want to hurt like this.

If he likes me, then let him tell me.
If not, then that's okay.