one step toward not being a Prufrock

Yesterday, I was with my French group, D. and T, and we were practicing our causerie (oral skit). They've been my French class friends since last semestre. After practice, D. mentions that he has an extra ticket to the My Chemical Romance concert this sunday and was wondering if either of us wanted to go.

I would have said no even if I had nothing to do and even if I loved their music. But I didn't. I said yes.

I said yes! I said yes! This is not normal Elaine or Prufrock behavior. I'm not too fond of being in the middle of large crowds of people. But I said yes because...I really wanted this. I want to be there, and I want to hear their music in person. Even if that means having to be in the middle of a large crowd of people.

I told Kuya and thought he would be really excited for me, but the weirdest thing was that he wasn't. He kept telling me to be careful and all that big brother talk. He just sounded like he didn't want me to go. Which is funny because I remember him telling me to have fun during college and not be such a study hermit. After, I was thinking of bowing out, making up an excuse for D. so I could not go. And that's when I started crying.

It was just instantaneous, a severe reaction to the thought of excusing myself from this activity. I cried so hard that a tiny capillary in the skin beneath my eye had burst. It's a bit red, but not that noticeable. I kept repeating in my head, "Life paralyzes me. Life paralyzes me." I worry too much. I never take chances. I'm not living to my full potential. I'm not alive.

I calmed down. Remembered all those things I wanted to do before things get macabre and realized, this is one of those things. If I drop dead next week (God forbid), then as least I got to see My Chemical Romance perform. This is something I have to experience.

I'll let you know how it goes and take some pictures hopefully.

thrice!

Left to right: Teppei (guitar), Dustin (vocals, guitar), Riley (drums), and Eddie (bass)

As you know, I can't wait for the new thrice cd, "vheissu", that's coming out in Oct. As such, I've been spending a lot of time on their site, listening to their songs, reading the ramblings section, and so forth. I just remembered that I was still a member of the Thrice Alliance. Kinda like an online club with cool perks--you get to buy tickets early and sign up for meet and greets. They also have the Q&A section where members can ask Thrice questions. So, I asked them two questions...And I got the responses today!! Check it out:

Asked by 9/25/2005 by elaine
hey thrice, this is a nerdy question but, does the morse code at the beginning of "image of the invisible" actually spell out anything? thanks.

Answered 9/27/2005 by Teppei
yes it does.

Asked by 9/26/2005 by prufrock
i read that one of your goals was to make the record more "cinematic". would you, as a band or as individuals, consider doing the score to a film? thanks.

Answered 9/27/2005 by Teppei
i think that would be great fun.

How cool is that?!?!?! I was so excited that I was jumping up and down in my room right after I read that. I used "prufrock" for the second question because I thought that maybe if they saw my name twice they'd only answer one of my questions. Anyway, it's on the thrice website if you want to see it for real or are interested in their music. http://www.thrice.net/

It's funny...I love Thrice. I can't say that about any other band or musical performer. I have this strong affinity for them because I grew up listening to their music. I feel like they had some sort of hand in raising me, in making me into the person I am today. Sort of like an older brother. Thrice is my other older brother. Haha. From record to record, their music changes. Not drastically, but you can hear the changes. And they're beautiful changes, signs of their growth as a band and as individuals. Thrice saved my life. I can equate certain songs and each of their records to certain times in my life. I can remember listening to a certain song when I was young and thinking, "This is why I have ears." (that song is "In Your Hands" on "Identity Crisis".)

And they're such good people. That's rubbed off on me too. They donate a percentage of their sales to charities that they support. They're not the type of band that's promiscuous or promotes drinking and taking advantage of girls. They promote reading books, and asking questions, and searching for answers. What a rarity these days!

I found this quote the other day from the bassist, Eddie Breckenridge: "Like, there’s some magazines...they’ll be like, “Strippers or..blah, blah, blah?” And we would just be like, “Neither. Like, I would never date somebody that doesn’t have respect for themselves.” And they’ll just have like this blank stare and be like, “Oh….okay.” Because so many people expect people in bands to be a certain way and I’ve always loved being that person that’s not what you expect. Not that I would say something like that, just because it’s not what somebody would expect. But, I just love seeing people’s faces when they expect us to be some partying, crazy, promiscuous band. And we’re not that kind of band...And I hope that we would be a positive influence on others because I think it’s really important to respect other people."

Lovely, lovely. What great role models! Has a band changed or saved your life?

what a lazy bum i am

I did nothing really productive this weekend. It was pretty much a film fest. Friday night L. and I watched "The City of Lost Children". Saturday we watched "Sahara". And just today we finished watching "The Shining" which was on tv. I feel so horrible. "Sahara" was hilarious though. The guy who played "Rudy" (he's also in NBC's "The Office") had some great lines: "I shot a guy with a flare gun!" His comedic timing and delivery was spot-on.

At least I got some French homework done and studied a bit of French during the commercials. Haha.

I don't want to be here anymore. At school, I mean. If I left, I don't think I'd miss anything. I'd feel bad for leaving L. though. Did I write about this before? Spielberg quit college and went straight to work in L.A. Could I do that? Mom and Dad would not like that. After all that talk about how much a college degree was so important. I guess I'll have to stick it out these next three or four years or however long it takes for me to get a degree in this place. I just feel like I'm wasting time. I've already been here for a year, and I've only taken one film class because I still have to fulfill my G.E. What a waste... At least I'm working on some things...

things I can't wait for:
1. the new thrice cd (Oct. 18!)
2. "Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire"
3. "The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe"
4. Dad's Birthday
5. Thanksgiving
6. Christmas vacation
7. Spring semestre

my chemical romance

You have to see their music videos. Beautiful. Cinematic. Especially "Helena" and "Ghost of You". I'm not a huge fan of their music, but those songs with those images--amazing. It would be so cool to work with them on a video.

So, I volunteered yesterday. It went okay. The girls were nicer this time. It was hard at times to initiate conversation because they'll just walk away without regret. A staff member was telling me that they're used to temporary. People coming in and out of their lives. They don't want to create relationships because they know that it won't last long anyway. I can't fathom being brought up that way. Regina, another student volunteer, was there too. She's cool. She gave me a ride home, so that was awesome. I didn't miss "Lost". Haha.

Speaking of "Lost", Matthew Fox is so hot. He's also very good at crying. Haha. If I were stuck with them on that island, I'd probably injure myself just so he can fix me. Kidding...or am I?

Weird thing happened in French class today. I was quietly studying when I looked up and saw that this guy who sits in the front row was looking at me. I mean, he was already looking at me when our eyes met, it wasn't like he just happened to look up when I looked up. It kinda freaked me out. I don't even know this guy. He seems okay, but I'm kinda freaked.

soundtrack so far for my Euro film:
1. "clocks" by coldplay (London/family montage)
2. "a quai" and the Amelie theme by yann tiersen (France montage)
3. "chiesa" by toshihiko sahashi (Oxford montage)

Yay for editing!

spirits raised

I accept my fate. Whatever happens to me was destined to happen, by God and His unseen forces that control this universe. I've always felt that God was always guiding me, seeing me through things, and He'll see me through this. I believe He will. God, be with me this semestre.

Okay, sorry, just had to get that out. I'm still afraid about my volunteer work, but I know that I have to do this, that there is something I must learn from this or else I wouldn't be in this situation.

Mom sent me a card. The gesture almost brought me close to tears, but L. was with me when I got the mail, and so I didn't pull out the hanky. She sent me my rebate money ($20..score!) for when I bought my external hard drive over the summer. She asked how my classes are and told me to study every day. Mom is always looking out for me. She said that Dad had sold my car to my cousin. I loved that car--very symbolic of my high school days. I didn't even get to take a picture with it. It's a '77 black Mercedes S-class convertible. I had a Paul Frank license plate cover, and Dad forgot to take it off. I'm sad about it, but there are just some things that you have to let go. She said she couldn't wait to see me in November for Dad's birthday. I can't wait. The thought of seeing my family, even though it's just for a weekend, makes me so happy right now.

I can't believe how much I miss my parents right about now. It's probably because of this fall semestre. At one point I thought about transferring to Cal State Northridge. They're supposed to have a good film program there too. I'd be closer to the fam, but not too close. Plus, it's near the LA film industry, so my transition from college to work force might not be as hard as moving from San Fran to LA. I'd have to start over again though. Make new friends (even though I only have a handful here), leave the really good friends I have behind. That's the hardest. I just don't know. Kuya tells me "to finish what I started". If he could make the San Fran to LA transition, then I know I can make it too.

I made a list of things I have to do before I die. I mean, to be less macabre, it's critical for me to do these things or else I would not be living to my full potential. All these things are do-able, it's just that I, the ultimate Prufrock, have to do it. There's the rub...

1. study abroad in France for a full academic year: I feel that it is my destiny to go there, by myself, to study and live in Paris. There's something waiting for me there, I can feel it. I'll do a whole post on it some time and tell you about all the signs I've been receiving from God.
2. go backpacking throughout Europe with friends: This is something my high school friends and I are planning. It has to happen, and it will.
3. smash a wall down with a sledgehammer: just because.
4. meet Thrice: my favorite band. I've had like 5 opportunites to go up to them and talk to them, and I've thrown them all away like the Prufrock I am. So the next time I see them, I have to do it.
5. learn how to swing dance
6. write and direct a film: HAS to happen.
7. see Yann Tiersen perform live
8. try to play an accordion
9. publish one of my journals or a memoir
10. go to a ball wearing a ballroom gown: They have these balls in Prague, I think, where anyone can just go.
11. learn how to ballroom dance

Hey readers, what are some things that you want to do before...things get macabre?

i'm scared

I really am. I'm terrified about my volunteer work. I took the muni to a part of San Francisco that's not that great and walked a couple of blocks to what I thought would be the agency. I was expecting a store-like building. Bright, welcoming. In its place was a large, shadowy home. This can't be right. I called them and asked where they were located. I was in the right place.

It turns out that this place is a group home for troubled girls. I'll be volunteering at a group home. Not a facility where girls can come in when they need help--they live here. There were 7 girls who were...less than welcoming...but the staff was pretty cool and very nice.

I'm scared, but I want to do this. I have to do this. There's something in me that wants to run away and stay all at the same time. They want me to come in next week and have dinner with everyone. I'm going, and I'm terrified. I'm afraid they won't like me, and I already feel that they don't.

Pray for me please. Pray for me just this semestre. Thanks.
Love, Elaine

it's me...of course

Three of my fingers were pressing into the flesh just above that v-shaped bone at the base of my neck. What is that bone called? Anyway, I don't know why I put my fingers there, but there they stayed for a good two minutes before I realized that they were there. Why am I doing this?, I thought. There's a pulse there, and it was very therapeutic to feel it. It's soft. Bump. Bump. Bump. I am alive. How wonderful it is to be alive.

I said that I'd write here next week or something like that, but I can't help but write now. Writing is my best outlet right now. I'd make a film or take photos or something, but I don't have a camera. So I need to write. If I need to relieve stress or get things off my chest, I write.

I made the phone call to the agency I wanted to volunteer at--something I had been dreading and putting off--and I got the answering machine. Yesterday, I made the call too, and I spoke to a very nice woman who said she'd get back to me, and she didn't.

Days ago, I realized how lucky I was to be at school, how stupid I was for complaining about my situation, how selfish I am for not wanting to donate time to volunteer. I am blessed. I am blessed. I have so many things, and here I am, wanting to be alone with these things. How selfish of me.

I came to my senses. Nothing is perfect. I can't have the same, pretty perfect fall semestre that I had last year. Nothing always works out the way you want it. Sometimes God wants sacrifices (changes might be an easier word to stomach). Why do these things happen to me? They're for you. They make you a better person. Trust me on this.

I still want this fall semestre to go by quickly. Is that selfish? I want to see my family and hold them and eat dinner with them and laugh with them and tell them that I love them in person. I might go home for my Dad's birthday in November. That'll be nice.

I'll get through this. This too shall pass. It's human to have problems. If everything were perfect, how would we learn?*

things I need to buy for sustenance:
1. bread
2. peanut butter
3. potatoes
4. salad and carrots
5. chicken

*This might be a line someday in one of my future films...don't steal it!*

you won't hear from me...

I won't be writing here for a while, maybe just a week or two. There are things that have to be settled. Things that must be done.

So, I didn't get to add into that golf class. The instructor said I was crazy, adding into a class the third week into the semestre. He's right. I am crazy. I went to the Community Involvement Center (CIC) and inquired about volunteering for units.

So I filled out all this paperwork, and I'm going to see about finding a non-profit to work for. I have to write papers on the experience. It's only four hours a week, and I have to attend a two hour seminar every three weeks.

I'd rather be in a class, but that was my mistake. Now I'm paying for it. Called Mom to let her know what had happened, and I got all the same stuff all over again, and I tried not to cry, but I did, and she said, "Are you crying?", and I had to say yes. I had to say yes.

I'll let you know if things get better.

what must be done:
1. CIC stuff
2. study, study, study
3. Meet with French group
4. email numerous people

thing's I wish I could do:
1. edit film-- So after all this mess, it turns out that I won't have the time to edit until I get everything settled, which may not happen for a while. I can't wait for film editing to be a part of my job because, at last, I can finally do something I love, something I care about.

weekend with family spoiled by...family

This was supposed to be a good weekend. I mean, I was supposed to have fun with my cousins. Nope, that didn't happen. Mom called me the morning of the day I was supposed to have fun and ruined it with the yelling and the disappointment in me. I expected that, I did. And I didn't want to let it ruin things, but it did put a damper on my day. It was a nice day, all sunny and everything, but I just felt clouds everywhere.

The only thing that made it worse, that really turned the knife, was that my brother repeated everything that had already been said on the drive back to my apartment. He really didn't have to do that. I mean, I got it the first time. It was late, and we had to drive back to our cousin's house, back over the bridge with its $3 toll, just so he can get his computer bag that he forgot there. On the drive back, I kept thinking, wishing I could be somewhere else, alone, so I can let out a good cry and then move on. Move on, and fix things.

It was one mistake. Something that won't ever happen again. Why can't I make mistakes?

Anyway...had dinner with L., my brother, R., and V.. R. and V. are my brother's friends. R. is the one who had that Christmas party, and V. was her boyfriend, the chocolate dare guy. Anyway, it was nice and awkward, but a good time. Despite the chocolate thing, I like V. He's a good guy, and he's witty and intelligent. I envy R. so much because she has such a great boyfriend.

We were getting up to leave, and V. had taken off his jacket and tie when we sat down to dinner--he just got off work. He asked me if I could hold his jacket while he puts his tie back on. I held out my hand, and his hand, the one that was holding the jacket, brushed up on my hand while he put his jacket in my hand. It was innocent and such a little thing, but it just gave me shivers. It was like that moment in the Pride and Prejudice trailer where Mr. Darcy helps Elizabeth into the carriage by holding her hand. It's just so commonplace and ordinary, and yet it meant so much, you know?

I don't have a crush on him or anything, it's just stuff like that always gets to me. The little things. They have so much meaning.

"i've made a huge mistake"

If you're familiar with the show "Arrested Development", then you'll know this quote.

Anyway, it's true, I've made a huge mistake. I dropped a class thinking I can get into another class, which, sadly, did not happen. So I'm stuck with 11 units. One unit short of qualifying me as a full-time student. I am an idiot. I was looking at all the one unit classes that are available, and either they do not fit my schedule, or I'm just not interested in them. There is no way I'm enduring three hours of yoga.

So, my brother is a bit disappointed, which means my parents will be very disappointed, which means, this will not be a good semestre for the Prufrock. It's only one unit...God, help me.

I can rationalize it:
--I can make up for it next semestre by taking 19 units--which would undoubtedly kill me, but who cares, I'll have 30 units total for this sophomore year assuming I pass all my classes.
--I am ahead anyway. I have already earned 6 units before even stepping on this campus by passing my AP English exams and therefore relinquishing the need to take English 114 and 214.
--I am working on a huge project. I am editing all the film from the fam's trip to Europe in 2002, and it will be a beautiful work of art that will take (and is already taking) an obscene amount of my time because editing is meticulous work.
--It's only one semestre.

I don't want my parents to think I'm a slacker, or that this is only the beginning of some sort of downfall, because I'm not, and it's not. It was just poor decision-making on my part. I hope that they forgive me. I hope that they know that it pains me to make such a stupid mistake. I just don't want them to be disappointed in me.

My prayers go out to all those who have been devastated by hurricane Katrina. Keep these people in your prayers.