i am become robot

Warning! The following post contains profanity, something I usually object, but alas, the times call for these hateful words, and I could not help myself. You were warned.

I pretty much had it with this job. I am a robot here. This job requires me to be a robot. Everything repetitive. Calculated. Done. I hate being a robot.

This is the second time that I've cried on the drive home from work. It's hard to drive when you're crying. Don't feel like talking about the first. This time, D. , the office asshole, called me "lazy". I'm not sure if he just said it to be mean because he was in a bad mood because he had all this work to do that he let pile up. Or was he being true? If so, I have this to offer up in my defence. Is it laziness if I do a particular task slowly and carefully so I know that it's getting done right? I'm sorry that I'm slow. I just want to do my work right. He called me this, and I said nothing. I let him say it.

Anger built up in me. I hate this guy, the fucking asshole. I hate the payroll guy who comes in and spies on me and then reports to the boss. Kuya told me to key "cocksucker" into the payroll guy's BMW. I want to do it. I want to do it so bad. To both him and D.'s car. I know their addresses. I can look them up in the computer. I want to toilet paper their houses, write "cocksucker" in big letters so that the neighbors can see. I want to let revenge take over me so that I can get back at these evil men that make my job miserable. I've made my mind, and I hate these men. I will write their names: Leo (who I put here as D., for his last name) and Diron (payroll guy). They don't deserve anonymity. I hate these names for what I associate with them.

I want to quit. But I can't because that would be wussy, and I'm not a quitter, I'm not going to let those assholes win. What doesn't kill me makes me stronger.

How I long to be 12 again. I want to know what it's like to not know cuss words. To have a fear of them. I want my summers back, and my innocence, and my skinned knees and bloody noses, Mom rubbing Vaporrub on my back, and Dad putting air in my bike. I want my camping trips and party favors. Exchange it for this harsh, cruel future. For all this money.

I am learning. Never get a desk job. Live for your passion. Never subject yourself to unhappiness. Oh, Riley how I need you to make me laugh...

riley!

This my second attempt to fix this post--I had to delete the first one. So, this might be deja vu for you readers. Anyway...Check out my new crush! It's Riley, the drummer of Thrice. I always thought that he was a cute guy, but ever since I saw the Thrice dvd and how funny this guy is, he just got cuter. He's hilarious and witty, and he has this great smile. And he's a good drummer. And did you know he writes a lot of the guitar riffs on their records? Yup. Look at my sad little hearts. Haha.

Whenever I'm having a bad time at work, all I have to do is think about Riley and something funny he said or did, and I'm instantly happy. Yay for funny guys!

the future

Went to an improptu party last night and met some really cool people there. I was playing with a toy piano when this lady (M.) introduced herself to me. We started talking, and she's a teacher in Santa Monica and so is her husband (D., the son of the host of the party). They asked what I was studying (Cinema-French..."separated" I said). They were really stoked because it turns out that her, her husband, and her brother-in-law (A.) were all film buffs. We talked film for a while, and it made me realize how much I don't know. They were naming all these films from the 60s and 70s that they said I should watch, people I should study for cinematography. It was really cool. It made me really excited for my future.

What's exciting is...I really don't know what's going to happen to me yet. I wonder if I'll decide to work in Paris if I enjoy my study abroad there. Or will I just move back to LA after I graduate? Go for my Masters? Gosh, it seems like it's all going to happen tomorrow and a decade from now, all at the same time.

simple pleasures:
1. biting into a juicy piece of cold fruit
2. a sip of tea (iced or hot, depending on the mood)
3. anything that quenches my thirst, really
4. finding that perfect article of clothing that fits you really well
5. laughing with family and/or friends
6. a smile from a stranger (especially when the stranger is cute)
7. a much needed cool breeze

sad and alone

There is a serious problem when an insurance agency lets the intern (that's pretty much what I am) be alone for 45 minutes on a flippin' Monday morning. Serious problem.

I would not feel guilty if someone shut this place down. Guilty for S., maybe because she'd have a hard time finding a part-time job like this. S. is my favorite by the way, and she's on vacation.

Came in late due to traffic (that was my excuse to D., I was actually late because I was watching the Today show), not knowing no one would be here, and D. got mad at me. Saying that they would get reported if someone wasn't in at the opening time. Screw.

D. asked me if I wanted to lunch with him. I am the epitome of girl power. I said no. Again, I don't want him getting to close to me. He sort of creeps me out. He asked me why I hate him or something along those lines, I can't remember. All I remember saying is, "Because it's fun." I am so horrible. You guys know, I'm a pretty nice person. Do you understand what kind of person would have to make me respond like this? Please understand.

Succumbed to my anger for being left alone and scolded at work and bought a Peach snapple to cheer myself up. It helped a bit. But I can't just keep doing this whenever screwy stuff happens. There has to be another way.

Watched "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory" and "The Wedding Crashers". Only saw the latter because, who can deny a film with Owen Wilson and/or Vince Vaughn? Aside from the vulgarity and sordid, it was an okay film. I'm not into that kind of stuff. "Charlie" had some good parts. Still like the original though. Highmore was amazing. Depp was good.

I was a little sad when I found that I couldn't laugh with everyone else on certain lines or scenes. They just weren't funny to me. I felt like I was the only person not laughing. It was lonely and depressing. I just don't share the same sense of humor with the majority of the public, I guess. I mean, our senses of humor are not even in the same time zone or continent for that matter.

I feel as if the summer isn't going to get any better. It's just going to be about work and that's it, and for that I'm sorry. I wish I had other better beautiful things to write about.

hats off

I've stopped wearing my watch. I am teaching myself not to be so dependent on the clock, especially during the summer. I mean, come on, it's summer! My internal clock is pretty good, I haven't been too late to work. My boss is out of the country anyway, and no one else really cares. I've replaced my watch with a cool jade bracelet, a birthday gift from my Mom.

What is it about me that everyone spills out their life's guts to me? Whenever I'm alone at the office, just me and one co-worker, he/she tells me everything. I'm not complaining, it's just an observation. This isn't the first time. People tell me everything all the time. It makes me feel good that they can trust in me. I'm a pretty good listener, and I don't talk much. I think I express myself better through the written word. I also feel that people don't like to listen to me when I talk, but that's another thing.

D. and I have a weird "relationship", I guess that's the word. He's nice and all, but I don't want him to get too close to me. I don't want him to like me. He's an okay guy most of the time, but I don't trust him. I'm not attracted to him anyway. I have trust issues, especially with males. I don't want them to get to close, and yet, someday, I'd like to have a boyfriend, and, later, a husband. But how is this possible if I don't let anybody in? This is why I have only one male friend in college, C.. I'm hopeless. Today, D. likened me to Daria. I didn't say anything. I just let him say it. He also said, in these words, "I can't figure out your personality." Again, I was silent.

One day this past week I went out for my lunch hour. I was waiting for my food at Baja Fresh or something like that when this cute guy walked in, very cute, very nice-looking. He stood next to me, looking up at the menu. And I kept thinking, "Here's this guy standing right next to me, but I'll never know him. I'll never meet him. We will never share anything except this space and air." My number was called, and that was it. I ate alone outside perusing over the new Urban Outfitters catalog. What a lonely existance I lead...

The money I earn hasn't brought much happiness (it shouldn't anyway). I was sort of disappointed in the cds I got. My musical tastes are so strict. I have such high expectations. They didn't suck, they just have few great tracks. Most of the money is being put away in a savings account for when I study abroad for a year, something that I hope I'll go through with. You know me, I chicken out pretty easily.

my recent purchases:
1. cds: bloc party "silent alarm" and the delgados "universal audio"
2. dvd: L'Auberge Espagnole
3. Parcel tote bag
4. Goorin hat (see above)

oh how i loathe routine.

I can't have routine in my life, I just can't. And ever since my job, Monday through Friday has been the same. I can't stand it. This is why I'm sick. I'm allergic to this crummy routine and job. I don't hate the job--it just sucks, that's all. I can't wait till it's over. The sad thing is, I'm just doing it for the money. What a sellout I am.

Just when I thought my co-worker, D., was cool, he gets weird. He makes these weird, unsettling jokes around me. Like, I'm counting money in the cash box, and he walks by and says, "Hey, Elaine, let's take the money and elope to Vegas." Ugh. And other sordid jokes that I would not like to write about. Maybe it's me, and I'm a ultra conservative, but I really don't care for these jokes. God, why can't I make friends with a normal guy? A good, normal guy. It's just impossible for me. I'm going to die an old maid. It's inevitable.

My boss keeps encouraging me to look into the insurance buisness. I don't really respond, I just go, "Hmm." Like I'm thinking about it. Ugh. He'll be gone for a month. Out of the country. At a "convention".

I need some happiness.

office drama

Was going to post this yesterday:

I hate my job again. They give me all their stupid work to do which I shouldn't be doing (like actually talking to customers about their insurance--and I have no idea what I'm talking about), and they aren't very good at teaching me to do things. It's such an unorganized setting. No wonder they get calls non-stop. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. When I do things a certain way, it's because they taught me to do it that way, but when I do it again, they tell me it's wrong. Am I the only person who thinks there's something wrong here? It's unbelievable.

I've already started my real-life version of the film, Office Space. I'm serious. I make faces behind these peoples back, and I don't do the work that I don't like to do (talking to customers over the phone). It's horrible, I know. But I only signed on to do secretarial work--using the computer, faxing, filing. All that. I really shouldn't be talking to the customers because I have no idea what I'm talking about. I have no background in insurance.

And I've just discovered all this office drama at my work that I really don't want to be a part of. Dad says I'm the only adult there. It's horrible and sad and could very much be resolved if everyone would stop talking at the same time and start listening to one another. I just want to lock up everyone in the same room and get this resolved.

Everything is better now. I just had the worse day yesterday. D. asked me if I was okay and said for me not to get stressed out because all the mistakes can get fixed and that nothing is my fault. He's a cool guy. When the boss is gone, it's more lax at the agency, and I usually hang out in his office.

I'm going to try and relax this weekend. I can't believe I only worked 4 days this week, it seems so much longer.

When I heard about what happened in London, all I could think about was my cousins. I have two cousins living in London, and I was so relieved to hear that they were okay. I mean, they always take the Tube, and they work in central London. It's so scary to believe that we live in a world where people will take their own lives and the lives of others just to make a point. It's terrifying. My heart goes out to all those who have lost someone due to the acts of terrorism. And a thousand thanks for all those policemen and firemen and others who've helped those in the fray. God bless you.

pros and cons about my job:

pros:
1. $$$$ (That's an exaggeration actually. More like this: $.)
2. the experience, I guess
3. air-conditioned environment

cons:
1. my newfound aversion to answering phones
2. the drive there and back
3. rude people on phones (see 1.)
4. just having to talk to strangers

happy 4th

I can hear fireworks from my window. Pretty cool. We didn't buy any this year. I can't even remember the last time we bought fireworks, which is kind of sad.

Went shopping today with the parentals. Mom didn't like the shoes I was wearing to work, so she bought me some new ones. I got a pair of cool black mules, and I also got a pair of slip-on Vans--bandwagon, I know--but they're green and comfy. I was surprised she liked those actually.

My parents are on vacation for two weeks. Great timing, huh? I mean, I'm working while they're out having fun. They totally deserve it though. At least this'll be a short week.

I'm still sick. Unbelieveable. My throat feels like it's constantly being tickled.

Bought a Sig SP2340--the air-soft gun I wanted. It's a great gun, very fun. I was in the backyard shooting some targets Kuya made for me, and let me tell you, it is very satisfying to hit your target, I mean, to hit the right exact point you were aiming for. Extremely satisfying. I like pretending that I'm one of the Gunslinger Girls.

work is fine

Haha. I've finally gotten into the groove at work. It's actually not that bad, and I'm really glad I got this job. Received my first paycheck yesterday. I think I'll spend some of it, 'cuz there are things I've been wanting to get for myself, and I've been pretty frugal lately, and I've been working even though I am still sick, so I think I deserve it. The list will be below.

I'm learning a lot at this job, acquiring some skills, and just getting a lot of experience, not to mention new thoughts and ideas about this life and the future. There's a really cool guy there who I work with most of the time, D.. He minored in film and music but majored in business. He doesn't like working at the agency. I mean, he doesn't want to do this for the rest of his life. I asked why business when it's not your passion? Parents. The answer is almost always the same. People are getting into careers they are not passionate about because parents want their kids to be "safe". You know what I mean. Doctors, lawyers, nurses, insurance agents. Those are safe careers. D. only realized what he was getting into two years ago. I was lucky. I was introduced to Emerson and Thoreau, and my mind was set. I'm not going to waste this life doing what's "safe". I have to do what I want to do or else it will never get done, and I'll never be really happy. Everyone has to follow their heart, their passion. You gotta pass this on. Tell everyone. Go! Now!

things I'm aching to buy with my paycheck:
1. Filofax organizer
2. air soft gun (fun!)
3.some Kiehl's facial products