maybe next year

I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas. Mine was good. I feel bad though, because I wasn't really into the Christmas spirit and all. I was at our family's Christmas party, and there were a ton of people there, but I just felt empty and alone--devoid of any Christmas spirit. I think it might be because I'm not really close with my cousins. They're all so close with each other, but I'm not really close with them. I'm sort of the odd one out of all of the girl cousins because I'm the youngest, and I'm not skinny, and perfect, and beautiful like they are. They're all so perfect. And they all have boyfriends or fiancees. I don't even have one kiss. Anyway, I put on a happy, smiling face for them.

There was a gift exchange thing among all the cousins and their girlfriends/boyfriends/fiancees were included as well. I got my cousin's girlfriend. She had to leave, so I gave her my gift before we all opened our presents. It was a purse. A real nice one too, I really wanted to see her expression when she opened it, but she just left without opening it. In my heart, I wasn't really in the mood for opening presents, so I just wore this really convincing smile when I opened the present I received through the gift exchange. They were these really cute Paul Frank slippers. I absolutely loved them, but I wasn't into the spirit this year. I was just going through all the motions. Maybe next year I'll feel better. There must be something seriously wrong with me if I'm feeling this way on Christmas day. God, please help me.

You know how I wrote that I won't be blogging as much? Well, as you can see, I'm pretty much blogging at the same amount I'd blog when I'm at school. So...I've got time...enough of it to blog now and then... Hope all of you are having awesome Christmas breaks.

Christmas shopping

I've got some Christmas shopping to do, but I don't have a car. And it's tough to get around southern California without a car. Yesterday, my aunt took me to the Cheesecake Factory for lunch. It took us 45 minutes to get there, when it really should have only taken 15. There are so many people out driving around and getting last minute Christmas shopping done, like I should be doing.

My brother came back from Las Vegas and gave me my Christmas present early. It's not like I demanded it or anything, he made me open it! He bought me two Lacoste shirt dresses. They're beautiful. I told him to stop spoiling me because he had already given me a Yann Tiersen Live cd. I only got him the Napoleon Dynamite DVD. He's an awesome brother.

I have to admit, I've jumped onto the "Lost" bandwagon. It's a pretty amazing show. Better than most of the other shows on television. And it helps that Matthew Fox is quite handsome. Quite, quite handsome. He's got the type of face that, if he looked at me, in person, I'd melt or turn into water or both. Does anybody do that to you? Sorry, I digress.

in the ipod:
"run" by snow patrol- You have to hear this song. It's the most beautiful song I've heard in a long time. It would be a really good song for a nice, slow dance with someone you love in a darkened room with the only light coming from a disco ball overhead, nice and sparkly. Or a slow dance in the middle of a snow covered field with the snow softly falling around you and the person you love...I think I've listenened to this song way too many times.

Happy Christmas to all

I won't be blogging as much in the upcoming weeks. There's a ton of stuff I have to do. Plus, I'm sure most of you are probably on vacation as we speak...

I just want to let all you know how much it means to me that you take time out of your busy lives to read what I have to write. And the fact that you write me back is amazing. Your comments and advice and love is so precious to me, I'll never forget it. You all have made baring my feelings and experiences in this world a worthwhile endeavor, one that I'll never stop from doing.

I want to wish all of you a safe and joyful Christmas and New Year. I wish that 2005 will be an awesome year for all of you. I hope all of you see the beauty in all things, especially in a new year. Take care.

So long!

I'm staying at the Hampton Inn in Daly City right now. Nice place. I highly recommend Hampton Inn. They've got free internet access! But I guess a lot of hotels have that now.

Gosh, it's so nice to be in the company of my parents. I'm sort of sick of my generation right now. I can't stand the cussing and the profanities, and the guys spitting everywhere. It's so gross how some guys will just spit on the ground right in front of you. It's disgusting.

Can't wait for the drive home. We leave tomorrow. It'll be a nice drive. And it's sunny and 70 degrees in southern California. Nice! I need some sunshine right now.

This is totally random but, my favorite commercial of all time is the Volkswagen Jetta commercial titled "The Big Day". You've probably seen it before. This guy's in a tux and is driving his Jetta, and you can tell he's in a hurry. Then cut to a girl getting ready for her wedding. And automatically you think, "Oh no, that guy's going to be late for his wedding." Cut back to him, and he's passing other cars, and then he's waiting for a train to pass, and you see him screaming in his car. Then he arrives at the church and runs in at the moment the reverend says, "Speak now or forever hold your peace." And the guy's standing there breathless in the aisle, and the girl looks at him, amazed, and the fiancee looks really mad. It ends there. It's an awesome commercial, and I love the music to it ("One Million Miles Away" by J. Ralph). You can check it out here online: http://www.hvwc.net/movies/big_day.html . You'll need Quicktime to view it.

on the ipod: "the shining" by badly drawn boy, "nothing is good enough" by aimee mann, and "song of life" by leftfield.

felt a little Amelie-ish today

I had a final this morning, and it went okay. I should have studied more, but it's cool.

Afterwards, I donned my new coat, and I felt a little Amelie-ish today, so I also wore a skirt and my Doc Martens, and I headed out to West Portal to get my hair trimmed and get a present for this girl I know.

I was so unbearably happy. I was walking around West Portal, and everything just felt right. It felt good to be alive in that moment. It still feels good to be alive right at this moment as I type. I gave like 80 cents to this Salvation Army guy, and I smiled at everyone who passed me by. It was nice.

I had a revelation the other night. It's about the boy with glasses. I was thinking that, if he felt anything for me, then he'd have to make a choice: do something or do nothing at all. And if he chose the latter, it'll be done with, and I'm going to move on. It may seem like I'm giving up, and in a way, I am, but I can't be the one who makes the first move. I just can't be. And I'm not going to be stuck on this guy forever. So, the next time we see each other, and I smile, and if he ignores me and does nothing in return, then I'm going to accept the fact that he feels nothing for me. I mean, Nino went to Amelie, right? He was at her doorstep. But, that's a movie, and this is real life...so...

I really am stubborn, aren't I?

no longer coatless

I'm done with two finals. Hooray!! I already found out that I got a B+ in one class, so that's good. I registered for classes for spring semestre as well. I'm taking French 101! C'est magnifique.

Afterwards, my roommate and I went to the mall to buy presents for our friends from the pool hall. They're good people, and they're twins. We did the Kris Kringle thing, and our limit was $5. You have no idea how hard it is to buy a present for $5 or less. It was cool though--they got the idea from their church group, and people end up getting interesting things. I got my friend a Hello Kitty eraser pen and a little sparkly stuffed starfish. It's so cute. L. got one of those paddle ball things. You know, that paddle that has a string tied to it and a ball on the end. The ball lights up, it's actually pretty cool.

We went to Macy's, and I finally found a winter coat! It's so cute. It's wool and has a hood and it's black. It was the only one there, it was in my size, and it was on sale. It really was fate. The lady at the cash register wanted me to sign up to get a Macy's card, and at first I wasn't sure. Then, she told me how much I'd save, and so I went for it. While I was standing there, this little girl to my left caught my eye. She was maybe 6 or 7, and she was wearing my grade school uniform. It was so bizarre. It was perfect. She got it down right to the blue cardigan. She was following her Mom around, and she disappeared from my sight. It made me feel so old, yet so happy.

We ate dinner at the food court. I had this strange feeling of deja vu because I saw this guy eating dinner that I was so sure I've seen before. He looked at me, and I looked away. We sat down to eat, and then I realized where I've seen him from.

Over the summer, I got the chance to go study at Cambridge University in England. It was this study program for American kids, mostly ages 13 to 18. Right, Catherine? That's how Catherine and I met. : ) We got to take classes at Cambridge and go see the sights around England and all that. Loads of fun. Anyway, this guy I saw at the food court was in the program. I remember seeing him whenever we're at the museums and all.

So, while we were eating, he walked by and kept on looking at me. And he had this bizarre face that seemed to say, "Do I know you? How do I know you?" He kept on turning around and looking at me. I kind of thought it was funny, so I just kept smiling at him whenever he looked at me. I thought it was so hilarious. He was with some girl too, and the girl kept turning and looking for what he was looking at. Anyway, if he hasn't figured out by now where he's seen me, it'll probably drive him crazy. Haha.

Two more finals to go!

Ugh. Finals.

I've got four finals this week: two tomorrow, one on Thursday, and one on Friday. Yikes. And what am I doing? I'm blogging the day before my first two finals. It's okay though, I'm pretty familiar with material. It's funny, I walk into the classroom pretty confident and walk out feeling horrible.

Have you ever felt like you wanted to punch someone? I forgot to write about this in my "lamest party" entry. That night, I really wanted to punch my brother's friend's boyfriend really badly. Seriously, I had to restrain myself from punching him and making a scene in front of everyone. Now that I think about it, it would have felt so good to punch him. The guy's a total "ass clown." I got that from "Office Space." Haha. "Ass clown" is just a funny way to describe someone. Sorry, I digress. So anyway, I just don't like that guy anymore. He can be really funny and cool to hang out with, but now he's not so cool for being a part of that dare. And you know what? He wasn't even drinking. Isn't that unbelievable? He was drinking water. Okay, I need to move on now...It's past...

My Christmas wish list:
1. new glasses and contacts
2. a camping weekend with my fam
3. that the boy with glasses would only speak to me...that's all I want (haha)

Happy Christmas!

lamest party ever

So, my brother's friends invited us (L. and I) to their Christmas party--they're older, like 25 or 26. Anyway, Kuya said they'll look out for me and all that crap, blah, blah, blah. I'm thinking, okay, they're cool. They're fun to be with. So, it's all going to be okay. Wrong, wrong, wrong.

I had one of the worst times in my life.

Firstly, it was just...weird. Being 18 and cramped up in an apartment full of twenty-somethings. It was awkward. They were really nice and all, offering us beer and wine. We both refused. Here's what killed me: two guys dared my roommate to eat like a little less than 40 block-sized pieces of Dove Chocolates for like thirty something bucks. She asked me if she should do it, and I said no. That's disgusting--don't do it for those guys and their money. It's degrading and demeaning. It's just like what people do on that supid show "Fear Factor". It's sick. They pressure her and pressure her, and she does it anyway, to my dissent. So, for most of the party, I'm sitting there watching her chug down chocolates while these, I'm sorry to type this as it is not my nature to use profanity, stupid assholes, cheer her on and tell me that I'm not being "supportive". God, I was so disgusted. I literally wanted to walk out the door and walk home, but too bad they drove us to the party--I had to wait for her to finish the stupid bowl of chocolates. She did, and cheers from the guys ensued, and winner takes thirty bucks, a stomach ache, and nausea. And something like a pound and a half of chocolate in the system. Yech.

I sat by her on the couch through this whole sordid chocolate affair and read an Entertainment Weekly. When I finished that, she had been down to her last nine pieces. That's when I put my observing skills to work.

I watched these people drink more and more and talk and lip-sing to the music playing, and in my head I kept thinking--Dear God, don't let this happen to me. I don't want to be like these people. I would hate myself if this is what I would become. This can't be me in a little less than 10 years, it can't. It was so unenlightening and disturbing and mind-boggling to accept what was going on as fun and enjoyment for these people.

I felt like Zach Braff in "Garden State" when he's at the party, and he barely knows anyone except his old high school buddies. And the only thing that makes everything better is the ecstasy he takes. So pretty much to sum up the whole experience, I felt like Zach Braff in the party scene only without drugs and alcohol.

I was really disappointed in my roommate. I mean, she can do whatever she wants, but I was really hoping she wouldn't have taken that stupid dare. I just don't think it's worth being in the spotlight for these stupid people. To have eaten that chocolate and accepted that money for the feat. I also don't think I want to hang out with my brother's friends anymore. I mean, I guess they were cool for a while, and I looked up to them as well, but now I'm not so sure. One of the guys who was part of the dare (my brother's friend's boyfriend) apologized to me afterward saying that he wouldn't have gone through with it if I was disturbed or annoyed. It's a little too late for that now, isn't it? I said that I didn't care--he saw right through that. I'm sort of glad that he did. He drove us home, Thank God. I didn't speak at all the way back, but being loaded on like a Christmas's worth of chocolate, my roommate spoke much, which I'm thankful for. My mind was racing with thoughts about the party and how I'd convey my disgust and sadness on this blog.

Am so glad it's over. So glad to be home.

I did it...only...

Hey friends! Guess what!!! L. (my roommate and good friend) and I were one our way to the Billiard's Club party at the student center around 5:00 p.m., and that's when I saw the boy with glasses. It was a total surprise. He was walking towards us. It was dark, but the lampposts were shining, and there was this tree in front of us, and the raindrops on the leaves were catching all the light making the trees look like they were sparkling with the wind blowing through them and everything. It was beautiful. And I did it. I smiled at him, my friends. I was looking through my glasses and into his, smiling just for him, only. . .

His gaze was on the ground beneath him. He didn't see me at all. Either that or he wanted to ignore me, like I did last night when his gaze was on me. I totally deserved that. Seconds afterward, I laughed at the irony of it.

Sometimes I think God does these things to me just for fun. Like I'm His entertainment, His own little tv show. "The Prufrock Show" or "The Elaine Show." Haha. I think He likes seeing me in these situations. He wants to see how I'd react and everything. And that all the stuff I go through is amusing. I don't blame Him. My life's pretty weird (in a good way) and cinematic. I couldn't have asked for a better life. Thank you God. Thanks for tuning in, for not changing the channel. Haha. God keeps the ratings way up.

Another beautiful thing happened today. I saw a hummingbird this morning hovering over some hydrangeas, my favorite flower. I paused to watch it, and, sensing me, it stopped in mid-air, the flapping of its wings a blur. We looked at each other for a second. It then flew away, and I continued walking. Both of us returning to our obligations. For a brief second, life paused for the both of us; time held back, waiting for us so that it can continue. That doesn’t happen very often, does it? At least, not to those who could perceive as I do, a gift I am burdened with, but would never return to the giver.

Time waited for us. Impossible? Time waits for those who appreciate. For those who look outside the clock and measure it in beautiful moments. To stop for a flower; pause for a cloud; look into a stranger’s eyes. Time can stop for these things. She is forgivable, and wise, and can grant these wishes for those who see its value.

It's just like when you see that person you long for, everything slows down just for you. Like in that scene in "Big Fish." It slows down just enough for you to enjoy it, yet it keeps you longing for a moment more. For those slow seconds, all your focus is just on that beautiful boy, and nothing else matters. I hear nothing, feel nothing. The only sense I am aware of is my sight. All I see is the boy with glasses. And then he's gone.

Thank you God for crossing my path with his this past week. I've never seen him so much in such a short span of days. It'll make up for the six weeks I'll never see him. Thanks again. And thanks, friends, for your support, love, and advice. This Prufrock has much to be thankful for, especially for friends who care for her well-being. I'm so blessed. Have an amazing, beautiful day.

passed the chance

For Jazmine:
I saw him again at dinner. Jazmine, I wanted to follow your counsel, but I failed.

He and his friend walked into the room, and I knew he was standing right there. I have very good peripheral vision, and I saw him standing there out of the corner of my eye, and I knew, I knew he was looking at me. It might have happened for a fraction of a second, that moment his eyes were on me. But it meant the world to me. And I was stupid, I was foolish, I was being a total Prufrock, for not returning that slight glance. All I had to do was turn my head ever so slightly to the left, meet his eyes, and smile. That's all I had to do, and I blew it. I passed the chance. I failed, Jazmine.

The moment was gone, over with. He sat down at a table with his friend where I could easily see him, his right profile in my line of vision. Tortuous. And I noticed that he has sandy brown hair, not blond. It just looks blond in the daylight. I couldn't even pay attention to my friend's conversation because I kept glancing at him...I need help.

A- and a huge weight of my shoulders

It's amazing that I got an A- on my Bryan Singer paper for cinema class. Luckily, the TA that graded it was a Usual Suspects fan because I mostly wrote about that film when I should have written about Singer's other films as well. He wrote at the end of my paper that he was "more partial" to The Usual Suspects, too. Awesome. Now, I've got a David Lynch paper to tackle. Yikes. David Lynch.

Finally finished with the stupid group project. We present tomorrow. Double yikes. Luckily, I don't have to speak.

I really want to download the SETI @ home screensaver, but it's not working out. The screensaver analyzes data from the Arecibo telescope in Puerto Rico. I don't want to explain all the technical stuff since I don't really understand it all myself. All it is is that SETI uses your computer (when you download the screensaver) to help look for extraterrestrial intelligence. I know the link isn't broken because I tried on my friend's computer, and it worked on hers. It's getting me frustrated. I really, really, really, want it. It just seems so interesting. I mean, what if my computer finds a signal? I'll be so popular in the astronomy world. Haha. If you download it, dear reader, tell me if it works for you.

Wrote about this briefly in my friend's blog: I saw him again today. This time, I was walking from a class, and he was walking to a class--the one I usually see him leave from. He was with a girl. I don't know why, but I was so happy to see him with a girl. I mean, it's like I was happy knowing he wasn't alone. Thank you God for that moment. Immediately afterwards I couldn't keep a smile off my face.

What I'm planning to do over Christmas break (some 6 glorious weeks):
1. edit film footage from 2002 England trip and turn it into a DVD (aaahhh!!!)
2. read "Rebel Without a Crew" and "The Screenwriter's Workbook"
3. clean room and get rid of stuff
4. meet with friends
5. go to Disneyland a couple of times (so I can get my money's worth for my pass)
6. go camping with my fam
7. see a bunch of films

in the ipod: "earth angel" by marvin berry and the starlighters (from "Back to the Future"), "violins" performed by yellowcard (originally by lagwagon), and "somewhere only we know" by keane.

can't sleep

i've never had this problem before. this is me trying to type as quietly as i can so i don't wake my roommate up...

i don't even know what to write. here are some quotes i can think of off the top of my head:

"in short: i would have liked, i do confess, to have had the lightest license of a child, and yet been man enough to know its value." -- Scrooge, "A Christmas Carol" by Dickens

"you're lucky if you get the chance to sneeze in this goddamn phenomenal world." -- Zooey, "Franny and Zooey" by J.D. Salinger

"but you know very well you are thinking of another than they; and that he is not thinking of you." -- Jane Eyre, by Charlotte Bronte

"science doesn't explain everyything...how do you know you love someone? it's not science; it's what you feel..." -- Prof. Carico, Astronomy 116

i've run out.

Thanks God

I saw the boy with glasses yesterday. It had been a while since I last saw him. I remember always walking to some class and searching for his face among the crowds of students. Yesterday morning, I walk to critical thinking class, and there he was. Just like when I saw him for the first time. I wasn't even looking for him. I mean, I sort of stopped looking because when I looked I never saw him. But there he was, right when I wasn't looking.

I felt like a dork because I had my Riley hat on. And it's so weird because I'm almost always wearing the same thing whenever I see him: a green skirt and black converses and some shirt and jacket. And he's always wearing dickies, red converses, and a black sweatshirt. I'll never look at red converses the same way again. When I was at the airport I saw a guy wearing a pair of red cons, and I immediately thought of the boy. But, I digress.

I was filled with joy and happiness all day. My friend even told me she saw him at the Humanities building, and that made me happy. We were eating dinner at the dining hall, and I saw the boy with glasses and his two friends walk in. I thought, "This is unbelievable!" They sat in the room we were sitting in, right next to us, but there's this sort of wall between--I'm horrible at descriptions. Sorry. Anyway, we had to leave. That was a nice, brief moment though. Unfortunately there was a wall between us. Literally and figuratively. Sigh.

Christmas sometimes makes me depressed. I'm going to come clean right now--on the Saturday night of Thanksgiving weekend, I cried like I've never cried before. It was unbelievable how hard I cried. I was at the mall with my parents, and the mall was all decked out and everything for the holidays. I was shopping for a coat, and I didn't have any luck. Being at the mall just got to me. Seeing the Christmas decorations and everywhere I turned there was some girl, my age, with some guy, my age. And it made me feel alone. More alone than ever. We drove home, I walked into my room, fell on my knees, and started to cry. And for that moment, I felt so sure that if "this shyness thing" didn't go away, I would die alone...I can get so weird sometimes. Stuff like that happens to me. I go home, coatless, and I'm a puddle of tears. I'm sorry, I just needed to vent again.

Well, I still haven't finished my paper! It's okay though. I'm not really stressing anymore. I mean, it's just work, right? It's just a grade, and grades are just letters and numbers. They don't really mean anything. What matters is what I learned, right? I guess I'm just rationalizing.

I hope none of you are alone on Christmas. Take care.

Feeling sick

I'm not feeling so well. It could be that I've caught some bug, or it could be the impending doom that is my group project. It's due next week. I'm going to go with the latter. And, lucky for me, I've got stuck with the hardest part--analysis. I just needed to vent before I start the thing.

Thankfully, there's no class today. I got up and made my way to the enormous monstrosity of a building that they call the library. Walked three flights (I don't care for elevators) to find that the book I needed was checked out or being used or whatever. I felt like I was going to throw up. Then I decided to walk back home.

So, I was walking back and feeling lousy. The vomiting feeling was lingering as well. I was listening to this song called "cigarette" by yellowcard. And, as I was walking, I just saw myself collapsing on the ground and not breathing. I saw this all happening to myself. And I saw myself being rushed to the hospital, then me lying on a stretcher, and they're pushing me down the hallways and everything. I saw all this happening to the beat of the music I was listening to. Weird. My imagination's so crazy sometimes.

I walked into my room, fell onto my bed, and wanted to die. Wanting to die is a stupid exaggeration, but people think stupid things when they're sick and delirious. I really don't want to die. I just want this paper to be over with. The first thing I did after getting up from my bed was turn my computer on with the intention to blog my heart out.

I'm feeling slightly better now. Back to reality.