I overanalyze too much

I have time to write. Rather, I'm using my extra time (no shoot today) to write instead of study for my stupid summer classes that I'm doing horrible in.

When people say things, I can't help but wonder what the meaning is behind their words. Why did they choose those words or say it in that tone? I dissect, I infer, I overanalyze. That is my curse. One of them.

We were at the playground yesterday shooting another scene. It was late--2 in the morning. I was calling out the takes again. I put the slate up in front of the camera for Slate (who is the DP and camera operator). It wasn't close enough to the camera, so Slate was saying to me, "Closer, come closer, come on, you love me, Elaine...Okay, stop. That's enough."

I called out the take. I think my voice was shaking from that little moment. Or it was just too cold. AAAAHHH!!! My overanalyzing brain is about to explode. I hope my face registered no reaction to those little directions. Why would he say something like that, and in front of everyone (cast and crew). Maybe it was just too late, too cold at that playground. It didn't mean anything, he was just saying something random, totally random. It means nothing. If I may overanalyze even some more...why do I want this to mean nothing at all?

If you remember...I used to have a crush on him. I still think he's cool, he just scares me. He's intelligent in everything film, he's serious when it comes to filmmaking, yet funny on set, he's cute...that's all dangerous! I can have another crush on him! I won't, I won't. He's just too amazing, and I don't even think he likes me that much. I just feel so useless on shoots because I know little about setting up lights (his specialty), and I just watch the guys get the lights ready. I want to help, but then again, I don't want to bother him and the rest of the guys with questions about the equipment. Anyway...another interesting thing happened last night...something so cinematic.

We were setting up for another shot. This time it was handheld. Slate would walk backwards as the two actors were walking forward. He was practicing moving backwards and also adjusting the lights. I was standing around holding my script looking over my notes. He asked me to be his stand-in. I stood in the actors's marks. He stood a couple of feet in front of me pointing his camera on me, his eyes on the viewfinder (the screen).

"Okay Elaine, walk towards me," he says.

I'm nervous. I'm not a huge fan of being alone on camera. I start walking forward, my eyes on the ground.

"Look up." He directs. I obey. My eyes go straight into that circular lens glass that catches all, hides nothing, not even the deepest feeling that I long to obscure from everyone. One would only need to watch the footage to see. Thank God it wasn't being recorded. My eyes told on me. I let everything out. I look back to the floor as I continue walking.

"Look up," he says, this time softer. I do so, avoiding the lens, I look far off behind him. He stops moving, puts his camera down and says, "That looks good." I nod, saying nothing as I walk away. He goes back to working with the camera.

What a moment. So cinematic. It was so unreal. God, thank you for that moment of vulnerability. God, I swear my eyes revealed everything. Why must they betray me like that?

Also, I'm getting a ride to LA with him and other people who are going to CineGear. I mustn't show myself like that again, but God knows I can't help it. I also think He likes what's going on. Makes for a good film.