it's a tough business

Sorry for the double-day post. But, this just had to be posted: No calls returned. I didn't get to work on the film.

I felt like complete shit. This wasn't your fault, L. said. It's just circumstance. You have no car. You had a ride who backed out on you, and the production manager never called you back. It's no big deal.

It's important to me to stay true to my word. I don't like disappointing anyone. When the clock turned to 4:00 today--the call time of the shoot--I felt like I had disappointed the director, my parents, my brother. I was so happy to have this opportunity, to be able to say that I helped out on someone's film, even if it is something "lowly" like being a production assistant or working for crafts services. I didn't care. I want to be around film, around people who work with film. My fam was really excited for me because they know how much I want this.

I called my brother, thinking it would make me feel better. Boy, was I wrong. I was close to tears. He told me to write a letter of apology to the director, which I did and sent already. Kuya tried to comfort me, saying that he was sorry. I was sorry too. It lasted no longer than three minutes. Tears started to well up in my eyes, and I wanted to cut the convo short. See you on Thursday, he said. Dad and I will pick you up at the airport. Thanks, Kuya.

I tossed my cell phone on my bed. Grabbed a couple of tissues and went into the bathroom. I sat on the toilet seat cover and cried for a good five minutes. Why is this happening? I wanted this so much, but why? Why? Why did this have to happen? God, you know how much I wanted this. I tried to stifle my sobs. I think L. heard me though.

God is testing me. He's is putting me through fire and brimstone to make me stronger, tougher. I thought about not going to Collective tomorrow because I thought that the guys there that run it (and worked on the film) would put my name and face together and think, "That's the girl who didn't show up to the shoot." L. said that if I did that, then they would win. I can't let them win. No. This girl is going to rise up and achieve the dream she's wanted for so long. I am going to try harder now. I will not go softly into the night. Courage and gentleness, like so many of Plato's Guardians. Combine courage and gentleness. I will not be brutal and a savage, but I will be strong. I will not be cowardly and weak, but I will be gentle and passionate. The concentration and eyes of a Samurai. The cunning of a Ninja.

I can recall my cousin's words, when I was a naive 14 yr. old, and I had confided in her that I wanted to work in film: "It's going to be harder for you. You're female. And you're Asian." She's right. It is going to be harder for me. I always knew this, but this must be in my mind at all times. I must always be aware of this.

I will walk tall. I will push my shoulders back and be the commanding woman that I need to be.

Everything happens for a reason. This had to happen. I needed this.