Repeat the sounding joy

Finally finished decorating the house for our Christmas party yesterday. I know, it's pretty much tomorrow, and we'll probably pack up everything next week anyway. This is what happens when you volunteer to have the Christmas party for the whole fam--uncles, aunts, cousins, friends, neighbors, etc.. Yikes.

Registered for classes. Got into all of them except archery. Not cool. I'm going to crash it anyway and see if I can add it.

Saw Narnia today with Chauncey. It was good to hang out with someone you haven't seen in a while and catch up. Great film. We agreed that the guy who plays Mr. Tumnus is cute. Haha. Afterwards, we were walking, and we talked about Christmas. I told her that I never really felt Christmas. It's weird, but I haven't been feeling it for the past couple of years. I see the decorations, the happy kids, and it's nice and everything, but I feel as if there's something missing. I can't name it.

During the holidays, people (some, not all) are really extra-nice and polite. But once it's over, it's gone, done with. All that goodness is put away, along with all the Christmas decorations, and people are back to being their regular selves. It makes me sad. For some weird reason, I found myself repeating in my head, "Repeat the sounding joy" over and over again while in the car. Like a mantra. And it moved from my head to my lips. I was saying it out loud. Mom asked, "What'd you say?" And then my concentration breaks. I swear, I'm going nuts, slowly but surely.

I went next door to give a Christmas fruit basket to our neighbor. They're really good people. Their daughter went to school with my brother. Anyway, Mrs. L, the mom, opened the door. She was really thankful for the gift. She noticed that I was wearing a jade bracelet. It's a solid bracelet that I sort of writhe my hand into it to put it on. She marvelled at how beautiful it was, how it had slight imperfections and was very clear (it's green, actually, but the light shines through it I mean). She told me how the Chinese (their family is Chinese) believed that the jade reflects your health. Shiny and clear is good; opposite is bad. She was telling me all this history about it, about her own jade jewelry, and how blessed I was to have such a beautiful piece of jade. I always thought it was a pretty cool, but her telling me all this background about it made me appreciate it more. It was such a wonderful gift. And then she says, "You know, I don't tell my own children these stories..."

I felt like bursting into tears right there. They have two daughters, the youngest one is three years older than me, and the other is 26 (like my brother). She's standing there, against the front door in her slippers and all, and she tells me this right after I receive that gift. And the way she said it...it was like she was aching to tell someone these things, it was like she was telling me, "My own children don't want to hear these stories. My own children aren't interested in what I want to tell them." That brief impression lasted for like a second, but I still feel it.

Christmas depresses me, I think.