Three of my fingers were pressing into the flesh just above that v-shaped bone at the base of my neck. What is that bone called? Anyway, I don't know why I put my fingers there, but there they stayed for a good two minutes before I realized that they were there. Why am I doing this?, I thought. There's a pulse there, and it was very therapeutic to feel it. It's soft. Bump. Bump. Bump. I am alive. How wonderful it is to be alive.
I said that I'd write here next week or something like that, but I can't help but write now. Writing is my best outlet right now. I'd make a film or take photos or something, but I don't have a camera. So I need to write. If I need to relieve stress or get things off my chest, I write.
I made the phone call to the agency I wanted to volunteer at--something I had been dreading and putting off--and I got the answering machine. Yesterday, I made the call too, and I spoke to a very nice woman who said she'd get back to me, and she didn't.
Days ago, I realized how lucky I was to be at school, how stupid I was for complaining about my situation, how selfish I am for not wanting to donate time to volunteer. I am blessed. I am blessed. I have so many things, and here I am, wanting to be alone with these things. How selfish of me.
I came to my senses. Nothing is perfect. I can't have the same, pretty perfect fall semestre that I had last year. Nothing always works out the way you want it. Sometimes God wants sacrifices (changes might be an easier word to stomach). Why do these things happen to me? They're for you. They make you a better person. Trust me on this.
I still want this fall semestre to go by quickly. Is that selfish? I want to see my family and hold them and eat dinner with them and laugh with them and tell them that I love them in person. I might go home for my Dad's birthday in November. That'll be nice.
I'll get through this. This too shall pass. It's human to have problems. If everything were perfect, how would we learn?*
things I need to buy for sustenance:
1. bread
2. peanut butter
3. potatoes
4. salad and carrots
5. chicken
*This might be a line someday in one of my future films...don't steal it!*
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1 commentaire:
thank you for your comments. you give me hope. things can't be perfect all the time. i am learning so much even when i think i'm not! take care too dear catherine.
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