back to old ways...

Just came back from filmmaking class. Water came back on right after I posted the "I smell" post, and I was able to take a shower, thank God.

Slate was in my class today. I don't know why he's in that class, he's so intellectual when it comes to filmmaking. He should be teaching that class. Anyway, I was sitting in my usual spot, and he was standing at the end of the row in front of me. He was looking for people he knew that he could sit with, I guess. I noticed him, and I kept looking at him, hoping he would see me and say, "Hey, I know you from Collective" or even just a simple nod of recognition would do. He totally ignored me. Either that, or he has the worst field of vision ever, which should be totally untrue because his passion is film, and film has everything to do with being able to see.

I know what you're thinking...Why didn't you say something, Elaine? God, I tried. I really did. I couldn't find my voice at all, I swear to you. Plus, I'm pretty sure D. (the girl I sit with) was talking to me, only I wasn't listening at all, I was totally looking at Slate hoping he would see me. I didn't want to appear as if I wasn't listening, even though we both know that it's obvious that I wasn't listening. Anyway, I felt like Ariel in "The Little Mermaid" right after she realized that she lost her voice, and she was trying to talk to Eric.

The moment passed. He sat in the row behind me, and I said nothing to him. I'm really mad at myself right now. It's so pathetic. How am I ever going to meet guys if I can't even talk to them? And here's the best part, the part that I was debating whether or not to tell you because it's so pathetic that I want to cry...

At the beginning of our 10 minute break, I got up to go throw away my gum, and everyone at the left side of the row was leaving too. Slate got up and he sat on the left side of his row--the row behind me. I'm slowly moving towards him. All I could think was, "Are you going to talk to him? Are you going to say hello? Or are you going to chicken out again?"

Chicken. I passed him, totally ignored him, and went to go throw away my gum outside the classroom. Damn. I waited outside the classroom, hoping he would walk out or something. An endless parade of students would walk out of door, none of them him. I walked back inside. Slate was talking to A., the cute Mark Ruffalo TA. Then he left. The prufrock within me still lives.