beauty

"Sometimes there's so much beauty in the world I feel like I can't take it, like my heart's going to cave in." -- Ricky Fitts, American Beauty

Yesterday was amazing.

I wanted to get out and be by myself for a while. I didn't want to stay in and study like I had the weekend before, and I felt that I needed a change of scenery. I woke up with the intention of going to Irving Street, the place I frequented most when I stayed up here for one week in the summer with my brother while he did his rotations at UCSF. I was 15.

It was gloomy, as always in south San Fran. I waited for the M line. Across the street, there were four guys filming with an Arriflex camera. They were getting shots of buses stopping on 19th and Holloway. I wished that I could work with them, that I was knowledgeable in Arriflex cameras and in filmmaking in general. The M came and cut off my view of them.

After all the tunnels and stops, the moment the tunnel ended, and we were a bit more downtown, the sun was shining. I didn't think it would be possible. How could the sun shine here and not shine in south SF? I got off nearby UCSF and proceeded to walk down to Irving.

I stepped into a few shops. Saw a cute hat at Crossroads. Wishbone is my favorite, a cute boutique that sells Paul Frank, Gama Go, stuff for your home, and more. I was looking for a new wallet. Something unique and special and within my price range. I found it:
















I had to turn my driver's license over in the top left pocket so you wouldn't see my face. Haha.

I continued walking around, passing people, enjoying the liveliness of the neighborhood. Everyone was out, smiling. It was like each person had something to be happy about, that there was some secret in each person's mind that was all theirs and that no one could take it from them. I wanted to know the secret; I wanted to find my secret. Or did I always have it, and maybe I just lost it in my brief moment of despondency? It'll come back.

I took the N line back. It was crowded, but I was able to have a seat near the window. There was a husband and his wife and two kids, a baby boy and a little girl a couple feet in front of me. The man had a stroller with him, and it was taking up most of the aisle. Another man, trying to walk past them yelled at the father, "You gotta fold that f*****g stroller, that's a fire hazard." The father got angry, how dare he use that language in front of my kids? I couldn't believe it too. But the father didn't retaliate, and instead, let the man through as best as he could.

I wanted to cry. I wanted to punch that other man in the face, I wanted to go back in time and maybe get in the next car so I wouldn't have to witness what I just saw. I let it go. This is life. This is what happens. Three stops later, the wife and the two kids were getting off the car, but not the husband. He helped his wife take the stroller out and got back in the car. The little girl, the daughter on the platform waved and said, "Bye, Daddy." I watched the Dad, standing in front of me by the door. He waved and said, "Bye." He turned and saw me watching him. I smiled at him, and he smiled back. All is not lost.